I had another dream about Gene last night. These dreams are so real I can feel him touching me. We were here at the house and we had company but we were trying to sneak away to be alone. I woke up and started crying again. I want to turn back time to the day before his heart attack and hold onto him to keep him from leaving. Oh god, I miss him so much. Everyday is a struggle to hold on and not give up and give in to just wanting to curl up and let the world go on around me. But right now I'll work just to get through the next moment, the next hour, the next day. OK. I powerwashed the deck yesterday. It took me three hours and by the time I was done every part of my body hurt from my hair to my toes. So I came in, took a shower, and decided to take myself out to dinner. I went to the restaurant where my son is the chef because I know everyone there. I sat at the bar so I could chat with the barmaid and not feel so alone. After some time a gentleman came in and sat two barstools down from me. We both ordered our food and when he was finished his meal he ordered dessert and asked the barmaid to bring two forks so he could share it with me. Now, we hadn't spoken a word to each other from the time he came in except some idol chit chat with the barmaid. I really didn't know what to do, so I took a small bite, told him I was quite full from my meal and thanked him for his kindness. He finished his dessert, paid his bill and left. He had no idea what I've been going through and this small act of kindness left me feeling vulnerable yet grateful. I don't know. Just trying to make sense of everything, that's what I do. Maybe there's no sense to it at all, just a random act of kindness. The sun is finally starting to burn through the haze this morning and I'm going to fire up the power washer again. This time I'll take three advil before I start, and three after so these old bones won't ache so much again today!