Sunday Morn

I had another dream about Gene last night.  These dreams are so real I can feel him touching me.  We were here at the house and we had company but we were trying to sneak away to be alone.  I woke up and started crying again.  I want to turn back time to the day before his heart attack and hold onto him to keep him from leaving.  Oh god, I miss him so much.  Everyday is a struggle to hold on and not give up and give in to just wanting to curl up and let the world go on around me.  But right now I'll work just to get through the next moment, the next hour, the next day. OK.  I powerwashed the deck yesterday.  It took me three hours and by the time I was done every part of my body hurt from my hair to my toes.  So I came in, took a shower, and decided to take myself out to dinner.  I went to the restaurant where my son is the chef because I know everyone there.  I sat at the bar so I could chat with the barmaid and not feel so alone.  After some time a gentleman came in and sat two barstools down from me.  We both ordered our food and when he was finished his meal he ordered dessert and asked the barmaid to bring two forks so he could share it with me. Now, we hadn't spoken a word to each other from the time he came in except some idol chit chat with the barmaid.  I really didn't know what to do, so I took a small bite, told him I was quite full from my meal and thanked him for his kindness.  He finished his dessert, paid his bill and left.  He had no idea what I've been going through and this small act of kindness left me feeling vulnerable yet grateful.  I don't know.  Just trying to make sense of everything, that's what I do.  Maybe there's no sense to it at all, just a random act of kindness. The sun is finally starting to burn through the haze this morning and I'm going to fire up the power washer again.  This time I'll take three advil before I start, and three after so these old bones won't ache so much again today!  

Replies

feliciac
feliciac

I wonder if that guy was trying to pick up on you LOL. He would have no idea what you are going through. Odd that he wouldn\'t have just told the bar tender to give you dessert and have her say it was on him. Men huh? I got your message so I\'m going to reply to that. I have so much to say and also, perhaps, some advise that might help. Regarding the hard work you are doing, I think it is good for you because I would think it would take your mind off of your sadness for a moment. With the kind of pain you are going through, any moment that you don\'t think is a good moment. My mom did that and it helped her. She would take out her frustration, anger and sadness out on the yard work or, like you, power washing the house and yard. Know you are loved and I\'ll send you a message in a bit. Hugs sweetie - XOXOXO
deleted_user
deleted_user

I am still not dreaming about Butch, I don\'t know how I would handle seeing him like you are seeing your love. Yes everything just wears me out and makes me achy. I too wonder how to make any sense of anything right now. I think you are on the right track though....one moment at a time if need be!
deleted_user
deleted_user

Angel;
Most men are not very deep, by design. If he did not say anything inappropriate to you, than he may have just seen that your were having a rough time and was trying to offer an act of kindness. He may also have lost his spouse and saw a connection in you and just wanted to help. You know when a little boy sees someone sad they will offer to share a toy with them. I think in its simplest form that is what he was doing.
Mike