Sunday- Bad day
Sleepy when I awakened this morning. Beautiful day filled with many plans. Received a lovely card from Frankie- I think we might be the same person. Someday I will meet her. I have really failed at writing everyone- but I just don't have enough hours in a day, nor do i really want to. Sounds very selfish, I know. Sitting outside on a bench in downtown Bethesda waiting for mom and dad to go have breakfast. Beautiful day. A little overcast. Slight breeze. A lot of people Families, kids, couples. Drinking coffee, chatting, walking through the farmers' market. Wish I could be as carefree and happy as all of them. Someday I hope I will, just not today. As I sit here i wonder what Joanna is doing right now. I wonder what her life is like. How does she enjoy her weekends? What do other people do on weekends? All I know is what my parents, Carlos and I do. Parents always have chores and work in the hard. Carlos works. I clean, cook, do anything to keep myself busy. But what do normal people do? Do some people relax? As I sit here longer I start to get more sad and alone. My mind wonders what I am going to have for breakfast. How am I going to decide what is the healthiest? Where other people going to think? Are people thinking as I sit here writing in here with markers? They are probably wondering what kind of psycho I am. What am I going to do the rest of today? I keep writing lists over and over again. It's a compulsion. Then a slight satisfaction when I cross it off- yet I typically find something else to add on. It's anxiety provoking. I feel like I have so much to always do. I bet everyone thinks that i just sit on my fast ass all day and do nothing because I don't have a job and am not in school. Pisses the shit out of me. Fuck you who think that. No one knows how difficult shit is for me. I guarantee no one would be able to spend more than 24 hours in my shoes. If you think you can- good luck, I'd like to see it!! 5pm... I feel as though I am crying at every little thing again. My Iphone wasn't connecting to my computer, I cried. I can't find a CPR class for school, I cried. Maybe I should of gone to my parent's house for dinner, but I know they would of made me eat a lot and there is nothing to do over there. I need help to fight my ticket from last weekend. I don't want to fill out this fucking coaches' evaluation. I can't, it's too hard. I don't want to do anything but at the same time I know I need to to clear my head. I want to curl up in a ball and disappear. I hate myself. My life sucks. I just want to be fucking happy for once I want to email Joanna but I know that I would just be pestering her. Plus I know I will want a response and she won't give me one. I have no desires. I feel so hopeless. My classes start on tuesday and I am freaking the fuck out. I have a lot of dog walks back to back on a daily basis, then straight to appointments (literally with 2 minutes to spare), then a 2 hour break and class. And that's just the one class- I also signed up for an online Pharmocology class. I really want to take it but now that I am freaking out about classes, I am scared. I think I am going to have to drop it. Life sucks.
Replies
i am sorry you are in such a bad state. you have a lot going on and it does become overwhelming. i think we believe people are looking at us, such as the markers, when in reality they are in thier own world. when i see people that seem so happy and carefree i remind myself that i have no idea what really goes on in thier life, everyone has ups and downs. it would be nice to feel that kind of happiness though. i get the same thing at work about people not knowing what it is like in your shoes and also at home. when i do the load, such as today, it is a very physical day, the people on the counter think i am doing nothing. yet they have never done it. think about the online course, maybe now isnt the right time for you, do what is best for you and your stress level. hugss
Calm down Babe. Nobody is thinking you do nothing and sit on your skinny butt all day. I take one class, don\'t have a job, do a lot of reading for fun and just relax but heck if that\'s what I choose to and can afford it, screw everybody who has a problem with it. And even my one class is freaking me out because I have to have an A and I have a feeling you work the same way. We should really be able to do nothing but heal and then enter slowly into real life. But that\'s just my opinion.
And you know seeing all those normal people. They aren\'t any different. I\'m sure they have different problem but believe me they got their shit. The mom with the baby might be an alcoholic or be abused or be a single mom. See what I\'m saying. Give yourself a break and try to relax. It\'s ok to relax.