Sunday

It is Sunday night.  Started having some anxiety about an hour ago.  Nothing I can't handle.  Just started getting shaky and my heart started racing.  I was just standing at the sink washing up some dishes.  As the wave of panic flows over me, I embrace it.  It is what it is.  Fearing it or stuffing it down will only make it stronger.  Still, I start thinking back....

Did I wash my hands as soon as we got back from the grocery store and Costco this morning?  School is back in and soon cold and flu season will be upon us.  I need to be more diligent.  I honestly cannot remember if I washed them or not.  Oh well, I say to myself, It is what it is. It's not overwhelming.  I just keep breathing through it.  I'm still doing way better than I have in a long time.

He keeps asking me if I am ok.  I try telling him I am fine.  It usually doesn't go well when I tell him I'm having a moment.  He almost seems mad about it a lot of time so I just keep it to myself.  He finally says I know you are not fine.  I say, I'm having a little anxiety...it's all good.  He says why?  I say I have no idea, probably just didn't eat enough today.  I'm also thinking in my head that I have been stuffing down my anger and irritation since Saturday afternoon.  Actually since longer. 

It actually started on Thursday night.  He didn't get home til 7:30 and we didn't eat until 9pm.  He loves to cook.  I can, but I don't enjoy it.  Most of the time he cooks and I clean up.  It works out pretty well most of the time.  Lately, he gets home later and later.  I am sick of eating so late.  I tried to say that maybe we needed to shift some things around and I needed to do more of the cooking.  He sarcastically says: Let me know what you think you can cook.  I am instantly pissed.  I stuff it down.  I'm just thinking I could have it ready when you get home so you don't have to rush to get it done. 

He just gets pissy and says I am not Ward Cleaver and I'm not going to walk in the door and sit right down to dinner.  I need time to unwind.  I think to myself this is code for a couple of drinks. I just drop it because I can see this is not going anywhere. 

Yesterday he made a big show of making a jug of iced tea.  I realized after a while that this was because he had switched to vodka.  He's like a little kid that thinks he's getting something by me.  I notice, I just don't say anything anymore.  One thing I did learn in alanon.  Never engage the alcoholic while they are drinking.  I rarely even check to see how much is in the fridge anymore.  I don't need to check.  I can just tell.  He was out and snoring loudly before 9pm, so I just went to bed early.

This morning he tried tackling the kitchen sink.  We have very hard water here and all the fixtures are constantly getting so clogged out that no water pressure comes out.  We have changed out the filter on the kitchen sink over and over and still no flow.  It takes like 5 minutes to fill the dog's water bowl.  He finally agrees to put in the original faucet that came with our sink.  He is cussing and swearing the whole time he is under there.  It was close, we almost killed each other, but we now have normal water flow in the kitchen.  the original faucet was missing the rubber cover on the button, which is why the sink was so cheap.  We just bought a different faucet at the time.  Now we have the one with the ugly non covered button and I could not care less.  At least we have water pressure in the kitchen again.  We both keep turning it on just to see if it still works...stupid, but funny.

I have been pretty fiesty and pissy.  When he said he was going to be late on Saturday, I started to get mad.  Then decided I was glad and turned up the music and cleaned the house a little.  Still, every time he snaps at me I am quick to come back.  He poked me in the belly button.  He knows that annoys the shit out of me.  There was no delay, I immediately came back with a slug to the shoulder.  He says, hey that was uncalled for.  I said well, if you are going to poke the bear be ready for the consequences.  It's my self defense training. I said and started laughing.  I think he pushes my buttons just to gauge my mood.

After Costco and the grocery store we were on easier terms.  He bought a 12 pack at the grocery.  I went out to the garage at little after two and he jumped, trying to hide the open beer in the door.  He made a big show of taking the beer out of the carton like that is what he had been doing.  I just laughed to myself.  Stupid,  Like I even care anymore.

When he wouldn't let it go and kept asking me if I was ok and I finally admitted I was having some anxiety.  I said, it's not bad, I'm gonna live.  Then I said, I do start to wonder if I washed my hands after the store though.  He laughed and said oh for god's sake, I love you.  then he said, I'm here if you need anything.  I said again, I'm good. Not gonna die.

the problem is...although that went well.  I never know what I am going to get and the fear of that unknown reaction makes me never want to tell him.  It's driving him crazy right now that I am writing in my journal.  I think that for all the times he has gone through my phone looking for evidence of a boyfriend,  ha has never gone to read my jounrals.  It wouldn't be hard.  The password is saved on my laptop and all my shit is public.  I'm think he is afraid of what he would find if he read them.