Sunday...

I've managed to get up shower and face the day yesterday. Nice brunch with friends and met some new friends as well. I was hit on and all though it made me feel desirable again I couldn't stop thinking about my situation. Conversations were good, I even managed to smile some. I'm so vulnerable right now and today I feel like I did something wrong. I'm so used to being in this marriage and technically we ARE still married I can't help but to remain closed off. I believe in the traditional ways... I got home pretty late and crawled in our bed instead of going to my own and T's arms wrapped around me with no words spoken. A step backwards but at the same time it's what I needed (or not) This is so fucking hard! Tonight we sit down for dinner and compare lists...  I'm confused, scared, sad, angry and a hot mess! Does anyone have a time machine? I'd like to jump forward about a year from now. I move into a new place in about two weeks but I haven't signed anything yet.. what the hell am I waiting for? A change of heart? A miracle? It's amazing how weak I am when it comes to this when my whole life I've been strong independent and never took shit from anyone.. I'm unrecognizable to myself... the struggle is real and I think I am my worse enemy right now.