Summer Break

I am finally on my summer break.  The summer classes were a breeze and I really enjoyed the self defense class.  I think I am actually having withdrawls LOL.  Of course, there were certain things I was unable to do because of my back but my classmates were always careful not to break me.  I needed that easy semester to try and let go of some of my stress.  I am still keeping up with the diet and have been feeling pretty good.  My anxiety symptoms have still been pretty low.  I don't feel as foggy mentally either.  I went to Arizona and spent a week with my mom.  I only had one small anxiety attack the whole time and neither time was it on the actual plane.  After the last time, when I started to have the panic attack on the plane, I was kind of worried about that. 

Of course,  the better I feel the less I can put up with the crap from my boyfriend.  When I agreed to move back in 3 years ago he made so many promises.  He has not kept one of them.  Now he has bill collectors after him again and this time they are garnishing his check.  They are taking 25% of his check and I guess I am supposed to make up the difference.  The weekend that I got back from mom's was our youngest daughters birthday.  He told me their cousins were coming out to hang with us for the weekend and we were going to barbecue.  He also invited some people from work.  I pretty much just kept my nose in a book as much as I could while they drank and spilled drinks on my floor.  I have no patience anymore for the drinking thing.  Saturday night he passed out at the table on the patio and I just left him there.  The kids thought it was pretty funny. 

This is my last year of school.  I will be done by Spring.  I have been thinking a lot about what I am going to do...what WE are going to do.  All I keep thinking is that after 3 years we are back to where we were when I moved out.  I don't want to have to move while I am still going to school so I am not going to rush into anything, but I don't think I can spend the rest of my life dealing with the drinking. 

The people who came from his work invited everyone to go BBQ at their house on Aug 6th.  He didn't ask if I wanted to go.  He just agreed.  I asked him yesterday what time the BBQ was and he said (snippy to me as always) "it's Saturday Evening, WHY?"  I said because I was hoping it was a day bbq and we could be home relaxing in the evening.  He just rolled his eyes at me and said he would make up a reason why we could not go and went back surfing facebook.  I waited a minute til I realized he wasn't going to talk to me anymore and that he was mad,  then I just got up and went back to my book.  I'm not going to feel bad for not wanting the be the only sober person in a room full of drinkers.  Life is too short.

As I am writing this, more just keeps pouring out.  I guess I need to make more effort to journal since it is clear I am holding a lot in.

A guy I used to date in high school posted a belated happy birthday on my facebook page.  He looked me up a while back and was surprised when I didn't remember him right away.  I tried to explain that whether it is the anxiety itself, or the medication, I have memory issues.  I don't think, unless you experience it yourself, you can understand. 

He tried to tell me that he had been in love with me back then but all he kept telling me was that we had had amazing sex. That was my lasting impression? Last night as I went to bed I saw that he sent me a message on FB.  "Hey baby, how you doing?".  A)  my boyfriend goes through my phone all the time looking for evidence that I cheat(which I never have).  B) for someone who says he was once in love with me the little communication we have had maked me feel like I was just a piece of ass.  C) it makes me sad that sending 'baby' in a message like that,  when you know someone is in a relationship, means there is no respect there.  I think I was really hoping to have a friend and it disappoints me.

Sometimes I wish I could get close to people, that I had someone I could confide in and talk to.  I have lived with the same man for 13 years and he has no clue what goes on inside.  That is why I know I am going to end up living alone.  I have made a few friends here over the years but the closer someone gets to my public life,  to the face I put forward,  the less I let them in.

I think that is why I have become addicted to werewolf/supernatural romance books.  They are tough, they got your back no matter what, and there is not a snowballs chance in hell for that fairy tale to come true.  My current favorite is Dis-content by Melissa Haag....stupid...i'm in love with a fictitious werewolf.  LMAO