Stuck

I realized yesterday that a month has gone by and I have not written in my journal.  I have felt very empty and the words would not come. 

I am still trying to adjust to this new life.  I thought I had it under control but this last weekend proved otherwise.  I had gone back to the doctor and he had given me another test that proved I was no longer in the infectious state.  I decided to go off the antivirals because they are hard on your body. 

A few days later I felt like I was starting another outbreak.  I also had horrible allergies on Saturday and kept rubbing my eyes.  Sat morning I discovered I had little blisters in the corners of my eyes.  I immediately began to freak out.  What if I have herpes in my eyes? 

My mom says it’s very unlikely…it is rare.  The recent test suggested I was not infectious any longer but I worry because I stopped taking the anti virals.  …umm yeah…anxiety girl..you should just keep taking them for the peace of mind.

I’ve been trying to be logical and wait and see what happens.  Today my eyes burn but I feel like I am probably just super focused on every little thing right now.  All this could still be from rubbing my eyes too hard.

My ex’s mom passed away last week.  I asked about the services and he said they were having something in Santa Barbara on Thursday….I got the impression I was not welcome so I am not going to go.  I was just another point to make me want to move to San Diego….who knew that in February when I saw his mom that she would be gone before the end of the year.  Now, I keep thinking..how many more years will I have with my mom?  Am I wasting time not being there with her now?

I don’t feel like I belong anywhere anymore.  I thought by moving into the apartment and giving myself time to adjust it would sort itself out but that doesn’t seem to be happening.

I alternate between extreme loneliness and just wanting to hide in my apartment losing myself in Netflix or hulu.  I have zero ambition and am tired of waiting for the next financial struggle.  I just had to lay out 500 deductible to get my car running again.  I took it into the dealer thinking it would be a warranty issue….turns out the rear differential was cracked.  They say I must have run something over.  I think I would know if I hit something that hard.  Still, you can’t get anywhere arguing with people in this world. 

This will be my first holiday season without Steve and the kids…it’s going to be strange for sure.