Struggling
Hi everyone, I haven't been on much lately. I have begun to write but feel I have nothing to say. Then I have so many emotions that I feel I have so much to write that it is overwhelming if that makes any sense at all. I have been feeling a profound sense of sadness and crying a lot again. I don't know if it is because Ed's 2nd angel date (9/4) is approaching as well as his birthday (9/22) or just the nature of the beast.
I was basking in the afterglow of the retreat. A couple of weeks later my 15 year old car finally gave up & I had to buy a new one. My ex-husband's son Adam was selling a Legacy so my ex & his son met us as they drove an hour south & us an hour north to meet so I could look at the car. My granddaughter drove Ken & I to meet them. I had asked my ex if Adam (who I'd never met) looks like Ed so I could be somewhat prepared & so I could prepare Christina. He said Adam does resemble my son. So I didn't buy the car (didn't like how the engine sounded) but met Adam & my ex, Christina & Adam all got to visit. Adam does look like Ed & he is a very nice young man and as I watched him he stood like Ed, had many of the same mannerisms and even sounds like Ed. Adam was playing with Iysabella, Christina's 5 month old baby and the way he talked to the baby - well it could have been Ed! Christina suddenly burst into tears & I tried to comfort her with something ColleenF taught me - that these reminders are "visits, not keeps." But Christina was so hurt, missing her Dad & wishing he had gotten to meet Iysabella.
I kept it together for Christina but I am so angry that life kicked me in the teeth & my child passed away. I am happy for the ex that he has other children and I hope & pray they stay healthy but at the same time, although I am not proud of this, I admit I am truly envious.
Well, at least I wrote something. I know the writing does help and the support always helps. Thank you for listening.
Love and peace to all.
I was basking in the afterglow of the retreat. A couple of weeks later my 15 year old car finally gave up & I had to buy a new one. My ex-husband's son Adam was selling a Legacy so my ex & his son met us as they drove an hour south & us an hour north to meet so I could look at the car. My granddaughter drove Ken & I to meet them. I had asked my ex if Adam (who I'd never met) looks like Ed so I could be somewhat prepared & so I could prepare Christina. He said Adam does resemble my son. So I didn't buy the car (didn't like how the engine sounded) but met Adam & my ex, Christina & Adam all got to visit. Adam does look like Ed & he is a very nice young man and as I watched him he stood like Ed, had many of the same mannerisms and even sounds like Ed. Adam was playing with Iysabella, Christina's 5 month old baby and the way he talked to the baby - well it could have been Ed! Christina suddenly burst into tears & I tried to comfort her with something ColleenF taught me - that these reminders are "visits, not keeps." But Christina was so hurt, missing her Dad & wishing he had gotten to meet Iysabella.
I kept it together for Christina but I am so angry that life kicked me in the teeth & my child passed away. I am happy for the ex that he has other children and I hope & pray they stay healthy but at the same time, although I am not proud of this, I admit I am truly envious.
Well, at least I wrote something. I know the writing does help and the support always helps. Thank you for listening.
Love and peace to all.
Replies
Seems to be in the air..the big reminders that make us think of how it should have been...or could have been. Gentle hugs to you...and you are so right...the approaching anniversaries or birthdays make us \"think\" ahead of time...love and hugs...Karen
I agree totally with Karen. It must be in the air. I seldom cry anymore and at church, I weeped out of the blue and the other day while walking. My sons birthday will be monday and birthdays are always so very hard for me. Much more so than any other significant event. I too know all about that \"little green monster\" so don\'t feel guilty for feeling envious, it\'s human nature. Sending you lots of love. Robin
Linda, I am sorry that I am so behind in reading and responding on journals, especially when one of my dear friends is stuggling. I am glad you met Adam, but I\'m sure that was so hard on both you & Christina. I can\'t imagine how that felt to see so many mannerisms of Ed. Don\'t worry about feeling envious....I think we all do at times. Even more so now than ever before. Hugs to you.....Kim