Struggling
Hi everyone, I haven't been on much lately. I have begun to write but feel I have nothing to say. Then I have so many emotions that I feel I have so much to write that it is overwhelming if that makes any sense at all. I have been feeling a profound sense of sadness and crying a lot again. I don't know if it is because Ed's 2nd angel date (9/4) is approaching as well as his birthday (9/22) or just the nature of the beast.
I was basking in the afterglow of the retreat. A couple of weeks later my 15 year old car finally gave up & I had to buy a new one. My ex-husband's son Adam was selling a Legacy so my ex & his son met us as they drove an hour south & us an hour north to meet so I could look at the car. My granddaughter drove Ken & I to meet them. I had asked my ex if Adam (who I'd never met) looks like Ed so I could be somewhat prepared & so I could prepare Christina. He said Adam does resemble my son. So I didn't buy the car (didn't like how the engine sounded) but met Adam & my ex, Christina & Adam all got to visit. Adam does look like Ed & he is a very nice young man and as I watched him he stood like Ed, had many of the same mannerisms and even sounds like Ed. Adam was playing with Iysabella, Christina's 5 month old baby and the way he talked to the baby - well it could have been Ed! Christina suddenly burst into tears & I tried to comfort her with something ColleenF taught me - that these reminders are "visits, not keeps." But Christina was so hurt, missing her Dad & wishing he had gotten to meet Iysabella.
I kept it together for Christina but I am so angry that life kicked me in the teeth & my child passed away. I am happy for the ex that he has other children and I hope & pray they stay healthy but at the same time, although I am not proud of this, I admit I am truly envious.
Well, at least I wrote something. I know the writing does help and the support always helps. Thank you for listening.
Love and peace to all.
I was basking in the afterglow of the retreat. A couple of weeks later my 15 year old car finally gave up & I had to buy a new one. My ex-husband's son Adam was selling a Legacy so my ex & his son met us as they drove an hour south & us an hour north to meet so I could look at the car. My granddaughter drove Ken & I to meet them. I had asked my ex if Adam (who I'd never met) looks like Ed so I could be somewhat prepared & so I could prepare Christina. He said Adam does resemble my son. So I didn't buy the car (didn't like how the engine sounded) but met Adam & my ex, Christina & Adam all got to visit. Adam does look like Ed & he is a very nice young man and as I watched him he stood like Ed, had many of the same mannerisms and even sounds like Ed. Adam was playing with Iysabella, Christina's 5 month old baby and the way he talked to the baby - well it could have been Ed! Christina suddenly burst into tears & I tried to comfort her with something ColleenF taught me - that these reminders are "visits, not keeps." But Christina was so hurt, missing her Dad & wishing he had gotten to meet Iysabella.
I kept it together for Christina but I am so angry that life kicked me in the teeth & my child passed away. I am happy for the ex that he has other children and I hope & pray they stay healthy but at the same time, although I am not proud of this, I admit I am truly envious.
Well, at least I wrote something. I know the writing does help and the support always helps. Thank you for listening.
Love and peace to all.
Replies
I\'m glad you are back online and writing again. I can totally understand your feeling regarding your Ex and his family...life is just so unfair these days. I too had a really hard time as Greg\'s second Angel date came up...I remember that profound sense of sadness and the crying. September is a hard month for you, Linda, please take good care of yourself and let the emotions flow. If you feel like it, let me know more about Ed. I would love to meet him through you. Tight hugs and love, Anne
I was happy to see that you are back! But I am so sorry - those feelings are so familiar. I don\'t know about you, but I do not handle things very well at all. I usually burst out crying over the silliest things, and it is worse near or on significant dates. I too feel jealousy - I try not to but I am jealous that Harvey is happy, engaged, and has a paid of house (thanks to Lisa). It just isn\'t right.
Take care of yourself,
Love and hugs to you and Ed,
Marlene
Hi Linda,
I am starting anxiety as we approach Josh\'s Angel day (August 10th). Linda we can walk hand in hand warning each other of the boulders on the path and the tree roots that we might stumble over. We have lots of wonderful friends who will help us get through this as well. It is not fair what happened to our sons but we can honor them and be grateful that they were lent to us from God, for the number of years we had them.
You are correct, you did begin to write in your journal. It is okay that we feel angry and jealous or whatever.... I\'m sorry the car didn\'t work out for you.
With love,
Leda
With love,
Leda
I love you my friend understand and am here always
Acknowledging ALL the parts of us is what makes us whole. How could you not feel what you are while in the presence of Adam? You are wide open now Linda, and what comes with that is a vulnerability that I think makes everything come in with such a heightened intensity. Go with it all as you are and know that I too have felt the green eyed monster often as I look at families with all of their children in tact moving along with their lives... big sigh. Just thinking of you and wish I could hold that soft skinned hand of yours in mine and let you know that you\'re not alone. I get it and so wish that I didn\'t yet I do. Ed, your mom needs a little extra loving that only You can give... be there for her today and in the ones to follow. Love you! XO Joanie
Envious!!! yes, I am so envious, it makes me crazy at times. That little bit of green brings tears so often.. ((hugs)) Nora
I truly understand the envy... All emotions are natural and the best thing is to express them and not let them \"bottle up\" inside.
Thinking of you and your family with love, prayers, and hugs, Sharon
Hugging you tight!!!!! love...Lynn
I fully understand your (controlled) anger and envy of the ex having other children. April\'s dad has another daughter who just turned 35. They had a big party for her. A party! I couldn\'t attend a party if my life depended on it. He told me about Derek Jeter\'s 3000th home run Saturday and even though I like Jeter and think he\'s a decent young man WHO CARES? How can he be HAPPY about this? And every time he mentions his other daughter, that he\'s visiting her or babysitting her kids, a knife goes into my heart. His life goes on: he lives in a big beautiful house, he has his friends, he plays golf every Thursday, he has his \"live in\" whatever she is (if you ask me she\'s the skank from hell since she never ONCE so much as said \"I\'m sorry\" to me), his life goes on. He lived 150 miles away, he saw April for four to five hours four times a year. He gets to LIVE and I wait to DIE. I know how you feel and I can only imagine with horror the reminders this visit with someone who resembles your son must have brought on you.
Oh yeah - the green-eyed monster...I have had to fight it down many times over the past few months since Alex passed. You see these Moms in the mall or stores or just out in public - I know they must be at their wits end - but yelling something at the kids and maybe even swatting one and I so want to walk over to her and say - STOP! What are you thinking - they could be gone in a flash - but, I don\'t - they would probably have me locked up as some crazy person on the loose. But, yes I understand the feeling that everybody gets to go on with their life and we\'re stuck - stuck like glue in all the sadness and heartache - with seemingly nothing on the horizon. But, I must confess that I do have some days of blue sky and less chaos and trauma. So, I know this won\'t last forever as acutely as it feels, now. I must go with what comes up and work my way through the feelings and hopefully come out the other side with some understanding of who and whose I am in all this. Much Love to your weary heart...Love Suzzanne
Oh Linda, thank you for sharing your thoughts and emotions with us in your journal. You know we are this same journey with you and we share the common feelings. I think it\'s all normal for this path of grief that we are on. My emotions have been all over the place also. I\'ve been crying a lot in the car on my way to work, sometimes at work, but especially at night when I am alone with my thoughts. That\'s when I miss my son the most. Jared\'s 2nd Angel date is coming up in October and this huge hole in my heart is still the same, if not larger. And yes, my green-eyed monster comes out many times as much as I try to quell it. So, Linda, you are not alone. I\'m sorry that the car didn\'t work out. Hopefully, you will find a good one soon. Love and hugs to you my friend! Diane
Linda I\'m so sorry you are feeling so sad. Yes life has kicked us in the teeth. It\'s good to write...what ever you write...a little or a lot. We all need each other. When things go wrong, like having a car fail it is so much harder for us to deal with it because we are dealing with our losses all the time and adding anything to it becomes overwhelming. I\'m sending you love and prayers to you and Ed. Terry
Linda, I totally understand about being so happy for people, yet envious at the same time. I\'m glad you said this out loud. I feel that way too and it\'s so confusing to me...so different and so conflicted. Oh my...meeting Adam and seeing those similarities to Ed...so bittersweet. There have been a few times in the grocery store or someplace that a young man will remind me in some way of Jeremy or Mike and I almost stalk them...want to reach up and wrap my arms around them...just to try to catch a glimmer of the warm feeling of my sons\' arms around me again. This second year is really getting tough isn\'t it...I think there is more reality sinking in. Sending you lots of love, Valerie
Light Dawns over Rocky Head: So Adam is Ed\'s half brother... same father? I see. Wow, he would be genetically so powerfully similar. GREAT work on helping Christine, Linda. I am in awe of your quick and amazing compassion. I am so glad those kids have you... what on earth would we do without love????????
So sorry about the terrible feelings though. Some days...
See you soon I hope, and much love until then ~~
Sarah
I so recognize those feelings... I have had (and still do if I am totally honest) almost feelings of anger that some people still breathe when my beautiful Jenn is gone.. and having to deal with your ex\'s son who looks like Ed.. you are so strong.
Yes, the approaching anniversaries are ones to really put us in a tail spin...Jenns birthday and angel date are approaching as well.
Take care dear Linda.. did you find a new car?
MaryLou