Struggles
I have a lot on my mind this week. I am very frustrated about things so I thought I would get them all out and maybe feel a little relieved even if there is no resolution.
Over the past months my boyfriend has slowly been maxing out my visa card. It is always something getting in the way of paying anything toward it...but there is beer in the fridge.
I admit it. I have a huge problem with alcohol. I don't like who he is when he's drinking and I resent having our money go towards it.
He kept promising that when he got his income taxes back he would way it down. That has not happened. Truthfully he is making a lot less than he used to a few years ago. He just doesn't adjust his spending to match. I understand that he is between a rock and hard place with the amount of child support he has to pay. He has been making the house payment and I am sure those two things take up most of his check. He asked me to pick up a little more so I am paying utilities and most of the groceries. The gas bill goes to his email and I already received the water and elec in the mail so I have asked him twice now to forward me the email or give me the dollar amount so I can pay it.
We have agreed in the past to try and make our household survive on one income...so that if we have two incomes we will be in good shape and if not then we will get by. He says he is on board with this and then just keeps using my card. I have left it maxed out now although I have the money to pay it waiting to see if he would pay Anything at all towards it.
the other night when I came home he was drunk again and I could tell in one of those moods where if I said the wrong thing he was going to turn into an asshole. Luckily he passed out by 8pm. Really? I guess enough time has passed that he has forgotten what it was like when I moved out.
Then he told me that I should expect to not get much homework done this weekend because he invited a whole bunch of friends from out of town to stay with us and we were having a party....oh and while all this is going on he also volunteered me to teach one of his friends to sew.
OK... A) I have my first exam next week and this is crappy timing...but as usual I was not consulted in advance nor was any consideration to my wishes given at all.
B) He can't afford to pay what he has charged on the visa but we can afford to host a party???? glad to see our priorities are straight.
c) In the chaos of two additional couples, four teenagers, one elementary child, a baby, and two additional dogs in the house I am supposed to be able to pull out my craft table and have the peace of mind to teach someone how to sew?
I am planning on going to see my mom when the semester is over in Arizona. I told him it would be really nice if he went with me to help with any repairs my mom can not do at the house. He said he wanted to go but cannot remember to check with his daughter and his ex to find out if it is ok for her to house sit while we are gone. (She just got a car for her birthday so now that she has her own wheels I think it's the least she can do)
My plan was to try and finish school in the three years left we have here in California til the kids are out of high school but when things are like this and I have no idea what shape he is going to be in when I get home I feel like just moving now. Of course if I move to Arizona there would be no financial aid and I would not be able to afford to finish school.
For the first time in a long time I find myself wishing I had my own place to go to and get away. I am waking up stewing about it and I think not sleeping well because of it.
I am just so mad I could scream.
Over the past months my boyfriend has slowly been maxing out my visa card. It is always something getting in the way of paying anything toward it...but there is beer in the fridge.
I admit it. I have a huge problem with alcohol. I don't like who he is when he's drinking and I resent having our money go towards it.
He kept promising that when he got his income taxes back he would way it down. That has not happened. Truthfully he is making a lot less than he used to a few years ago. He just doesn't adjust his spending to match. I understand that he is between a rock and hard place with the amount of child support he has to pay. He has been making the house payment and I am sure those two things take up most of his check. He asked me to pick up a little more so I am paying utilities and most of the groceries. The gas bill goes to his email and I already received the water and elec in the mail so I have asked him twice now to forward me the email or give me the dollar amount so I can pay it.
We have agreed in the past to try and make our household survive on one income...so that if we have two incomes we will be in good shape and if not then we will get by. He says he is on board with this and then just keeps using my card. I have left it maxed out now although I have the money to pay it waiting to see if he would pay Anything at all towards it.
the other night when I came home he was drunk again and I could tell in one of those moods where if I said the wrong thing he was going to turn into an asshole. Luckily he passed out by 8pm. Really? I guess enough time has passed that he has forgotten what it was like when I moved out.
Then he told me that I should expect to not get much homework done this weekend because he invited a whole bunch of friends from out of town to stay with us and we were having a party....oh and while all this is going on he also volunteered me to teach one of his friends to sew.
OK... A) I have my first exam next week and this is crappy timing...but as usual I was not consulted in advance nor was any consideration to my wishes given at all.
B) He can't afford to pay what he has charged on the visa but we can afford to host a party???? glad to see our priorities are straight.
c) In the chaos of two additional couples, four teenagers, one elementary child, a baby, and two additional dogs in the house I am supposed to be able to pull out my craft table and have the peace of mind to teach someone how to sew?
I am planning on going to see my mom when the semester is over in Arizona. I told him it would be really nice if he went with me to help with any repairs my mom can not do at the house. He said he wanted to go but cannot remember to check with his daughter and his ex to find out if it is ok for her to house sit while we are gone. (She just got a car for her birthday so now that she has her own wheels I think it's the least she can do)
My plan was to try and finish school in the three years left we have here in California til the kids are out of high school but when things are like this and I have no idea what shape he is going to be in when I get home I feel like just moving now. Of course if I move to Arizona there would be no financial aid and I would not be able to afford to finish school.
For the first time in a long time I find myself wishing I had my own place to go to and get away. I am waking up stewing about it and I think not sleeping well because of it.
I am just so mad I could scream.
Replies
There\'s not much of anything I could say here that you wouldn\'t know already.
It took hundreds of steps and hundreds of decisions (or indecisions...which are decisions after all...you know...we are not free to not choose...that kinda thing) to get to this point.
Logically speaking, it will take hundreds of decisions to work your way out of this.
I would imagine that your boyfriend has a greater sense of survival than you do. Leaving the credit card at it\'s limit may be a good thing. Better yet, I think I\'d freeze the account and force him to clear purchases through you.
If you don\'t control the circumstances; the circumstances are going to control you...if they haven\'t already.
Your scenario is repeated over and over and over in this country. I can understand your anxiety. I hope you understand it as well...because, underneath that anxiety is usually one form of anger or rage or another.
You deserve better. I hope you choose better...
My husband is like this.... im younger then he is and i find it hard... he says becasue im young i dont understand.... but in reality im not THAT much younger then he is and i know that were struggling. It get tireing after awhile. And super hard.... but unfortunately iv learned to live with it... Sucks... but keep your head up .... :)
I think one of the biggest things that holds be back right now is school. I am basically going for free here. I won\'t be able to get that outside of CA. I have been working at this for a while now. I hate to just give it up not knowing if I could afford to transfer somewhere in AZ
Nothing I say will help... but just hold in there... things seem shitty right now. But they wont always be...