Strange Easter
I was at mom's yesterday with many of my cousins celebrating Easter. Everything went pitch perfect. No one said anything rude - people seemed to maintain boundaries, mom stayed a clear distance from me. Probably one of the most unproblematic family get togethers yet. Still, I came home and I felt the same sort of sick feelings - but nothing to attach it to. The same sort of "fear" as if something had gone terribly wrong -yet nothing went wrong. I had a dream that I saw a tiny little girl at the bottom of a very deep deep, clear blue swimming pool. I wondered how she could travel so far without oxygen and stay under the water for so long. I wish there was a way to pull her up and out of the water -but she seems quite content to stay.
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I'm glad nothing bad happened at your Easter gathering. It makes sense you would have those old feelings come up though, because family is a huge trigger, whether they behave themselves or not. Which of us can go among family and not feel in some ways like the children that we were?
The dream is a beautiful representation of an emotional reality that I can relate to very well. I think, if you want, you can go to her where she is, for now.
I agree with DW - even if family is behaved it can still be triggering. You still have much to process from your past but as you do the triggers from family does become less and less. If you can imagine your inner children are still stuck in the trauma from your childhood and when you visit family your inner children see it from their perspective....from the past. As they heal the move out of the past which means you will be less triggered.
One way to decipher the pool in your dreams is that "To see a pool of water in your dream indicates that you need to acknowledge and understand your feelings. It is time to dive in and deal with those emotions. Alternatively, a pool indicates your desire to be cleansed. You need to wash away the past.". Sounds to me like your inner children may be ready to start sharing with you again.
((Hugs))
Thanks DW and LE. That makes lots of sense that your still "hyper vigilant" with family. That there is still lots of tension whether something happens or not. chemicals that are released and ready for drama are still present and it will be a while before they go.
Regarding the girl in the pool - I talked a bit about this with my therapist. I realized that I only saw the back of the girl. not the front. Also, I've had this dream before only slightly varied. I'm scared of the girl at the bottom of the water. The water, her ability to "hide" in it and no one bother her because she is so deep -feels like a form of dissociation. She can stay "desensitized' in a way. Also, I don' t want to see her face. I believe her eyes will look like she is a monster. She scares me. A part of me wants her to stay there - and I stay here. It's something I'll have to go over using EMDR.
I also had inner children who loved to be in a pool. I always found freedom in a pool as a child but mostly I loved when you went under water it was silent. I couldn't hear anyone and I did feel untouchable while under the water. I actually felt more powerful.
I think it is interesting that you have parts who are afraid of what is in the water and that they are imagining that this girl may look like a monster. I hope that EMDR can help you heal all of what is going on with the girl in the pool and the girls you have who are afraid of her.
For me, surfacing was very painful so I can understand why the girl is comfortable down in the depths of the water. Desensitized is a good way to put it. I suspect there can't be eye contact with the girl because of shame.
Glad you had a nice Easter. I am sorry I am not on here much. I work a lot in the spring so I don't have time. In the summer I get terribly depressed and I either am on here a lot or not at all depending on how badly I am doing. I hope things are going well for you.
Glad you had a nice Easter. I am sorry I am not on here much. I work a lot in the spring so I don't have time. In the summer I get terribly depressed and I either am on here a lot or not at all depending on how badly I am doing. I hope things are going well for you.