Still walking through grief

Some days I think I'm doing so well, then I have a day like today when I can't even look at a picture of Gene without falling apart.  My mind says I have to go on, but my heart says differently.  I miss looking into his beautiful green eyes and feeling his strong arms around me holding me tight against him.  I miss his jokes and the sound of his voice.  The closer Thanksgiving gets, the worse I feel.  It will just be Paul and I this year and as much as I want to cook I just don't know if it's the right thing to do or if we should go to Gene's brother in law's for dinner.  Really need to talk to Paul and find out what he thinks.
Today the tears sat behind my eyes just waiting to fall but I managed to make it through the day.  I have many days like this and it's hard not to give in to it and just let them flow.  I now take two steps forward and one back rather than two back and one forward, but it's still so painful without Gene.