Still in shock.. Trying to deal.

November 1st at 2am it all went away. I was 577 days sober. I was doing incredible. I put my coke in the same spot every single time all night, and every time I checked to confirm it was mine before drinking (smell, sip without swallowing) and at some point I apparently put my drink on the the other table we were using (big group-2 tables side by side) and when I got back from dancing I grabbed the drink that was in my usual spot...the wrong table...the wrong drink. And I didn't check it first. I'm fighting a beast inside of myself...a beast that feeds on my pain, feeds on alcohol, feeds on prescription pills... A beast that feeds on everything bad and makes me want to continue doing bad things. That night I had already taken codeine pain killers. More than I needed but not more than the allotted dosage. For whatever reason my night took a downer part way through, I started feeling anxiety, stress, depression, the usual things that happen to me at night but not usually when I'm out with friends. I started isolating myself and hiding outside, my friends were all drunk (with the exception of one person though we're not really friends - my best friends ex fiance / current play toy .... she uses him and he allows it). He was very receptive, could tell something was wrong and asked, tried to get me to cheer up but to no avail, I couldn't control it. The night eventually picked up for me when I really good looking guy named David decided to flirt with me and ask me to dance, I was dressed as Jack skellington (nightmare before christmas) and he was a jack-o-latern, it's funny, my friend amy said I may find a cute Jack, she was insinuating another jack skellington, but a jack-o-latern...that's just funny. We danced, we kissed (though awkward with my face paint), we had a great time, and it was at the end of the night, after dancing, after the DJ said the night was over that I went and drank the wrong drink. It had finally picked up for me, I was finally cheering up and it was ruined. I tried to make myself throw up, tried to get the alcohol out of my body, but I couldn't. I was shaking, near crying, having anxiety, panic attacks... It was a mess... and everyone was drunk. The one sober person left already, he took my friend home so they could have sex (seriously, she uses him, it's bad and he knows it). The only people I really wanted near me were gone, she's my best friend and a sober person would have been nice at that point in time. She was drunk, but not smashed, and even when she's drunk she can act like the most sober person around. I love her for that. Part of me questions if I drank it subconsciously on purpose, I'm struggling like all hell to not walk upstairs right now and start slamming back a ton of alcohol. It's not mine, and I normally don't have an issue with it being in the house, but today...today I really want it. It's killing me that I'm starting at day 0 again. I know I'm lashing out in ways other than drinking, I'm doing semi-harmful things that aren't alcohol or drugs. A guy I know from years back messaged me on facebook complimenting my halloween make up, he's now living in calgary, he dated a girl I knew before, a girl who cheated on him with me (never sex) and also cheated on him (and I technically) with another friend of mine (my ex fiance's roommate - met my ex fiance through her technically speaking - she worked at the coffee shop we met in - both were there because I wanted with her and his roommate wanted with her). So this guy, Will, who I haven't seen since my ex fiance and I were first together, we're talking 2010, messages me and compliments me on my costume, my make up and corset, says it looks really nice and I'm really attractive and just gives me compliments continuously, made me feel really good about myself and after the night I'd had, I needed it. He was hard core flirting with me, but mentioned he's living in Alberta now, I'm in British Columbia, one province over, so I knew it was harmless and never going to amount to anything. He ended up mentioning he has a girlfriend, who was sleeping while we were talking. At first I was a bit uncomfortable with him having a girlfriend and messaging me so much, and with the subject content, but I let it go and decided he's the one with the girlfriend, not me, and what he does is his choice. We talked for hours on facebook, I passed out, then we talked and then started texting and talked for hours upon hours. We got really really flirty, started talking more and more sexually, to the point of sending pictures... started as nothing showing, some lingerie, but nothing actually showing, and then a topless picture. I'm not the type of girl to send pictures, not even to people I'm in a relationship with, but for whatever reason I sent them to him... I know it's my mind's way of coping with what happened, doing something drastic and semi-damaging but not alcohol or drugs, which I'm trying to avoid at all costs. He texts me when she's not around/sleeping, I know it's wrong, but truly, I just don't give a crap anymore, his life, he can do what he wants, and for all I know, they're okay with this happening so long as they keep it private. Regardless, it's not my life, it was not initiated by me, and I really don't want any judgement over this one. No one knows about this and no one is going to. I'm just doing what I have to do to keep myself sober. That...and I have to make sure I eat... I've noticed I've been becoming anorexic again, eating minimal/no food for entire days, I just don't realize I haven't eaten and don't feel hunger. On that note though, I'm going to make something to eat and try really hard to keep from becoming anorexic. I'm going to switch my "Don't become anorexic!" goal down to 75%, it's at 100% and hasn't moved since I got to that point, but I need to acknowledge I have an ongoing eating disorder and right now I'm struggling, so if admitting to it and gradually working at it helps me, then that's what I'm going to do.