Still going in circles in my head
I am still trying to figure out what is the right thing to do.
I don't really have any illusion that he still cares about me or us. Some of the things that he has said recently have cleared that up for me. He once again accused me of having someone else just because I texted a friend. He is the one that is on his phone all day. I know it is friends and family (at least I think so) but no matter if we are in a conversation or not as soon as that text goes off he drops everything to answer it.
He told me that he has never trusted me in 12 years. I said, do you even know how ridiculous that sounds that in those 12 years I have not done anything and yet he still doesn't trust me. He once again brought up that I was with someone while we were apart. OK...but A. we were not together and not planning on getting back together(at least on my part) and B. that was only two years ago...what about the ten years before that?
He accused me of having an affair for years....one that never happened. I told him I have no way of convincing him. I thought two years ago when we decided to get back together that he would realize that If I didn't want to be with him that I would not be and it would put his fears to rest....apparently not.
I think one of the final straws for me was the anxiety. I have been very sick since all this began. I try to suck it up and be tough but that is a little hard to do when you feel nauseated all day. Still, I try to keep it to myself as much as possible. People always tell me everything shows on my face though....so he asks me what's wrong. I am not going to lie...I say I just feel sick and that I am sure it is just anxiety. He blows up and tells me how SICK HE is of me being SICK. I said well if you don't want to know the answer, then don't fucking ask me.
Still, If I move out then I have no one else that can take care of the dog while i am at school. So I guess it all depends on whether I am going to finish or not and if I am whether I can put up with living there for now.
It's not a matter of being alone really. I am alone even when he is there. I am so lonely I could scream some days but I know I just need to get used to it. I have no illusions that I will someday find true love. Truthfully I realize that I will probably spend the rest of my life alone. The anxiety makes me stick to the same routines to feel comfortable and mostly being a homebody. I am not afraid to go out but I am not exactly going to be running out to meet people either. Even if I did meet someone the chances of them being a non drinker are slim to none. It is amazing how many people drink and think alcohol is a fun time.
I joke with my bosses at work that I will end up the lonely, crazy, old lady living alone in the desert. I make it a joke but it's probably not that far from the truth.
I don't really have any illusion that he still cares about me or us. Some of the things that he has said recently have cleared that up for me. He once again accused me of having someone else just because I texted a friend. He is the one that is on his phone all day. I know it is friends and family (at least I think so) but no matter if we are in a conversation or not as soon as that text goes off he drops everything to answer it.
He told me that he has never trusted me in 12 years. I said, do you even know how ridiculous that sounds that in those 12 years I have not done anything and yet he still doesn't trust me. He once again brought up that I was with someone while we were apart. OK...but A. we were not together and not planning on getting back together(at least on my part) and B. that was only two years ago...what about the ten years before that?
He accused me of having an affair for years....one that never happened. I told him I have no way of convincing him. I thought two years ago when we decided to get back together that he would realize that If I didn't want to be with him that I would not be and it would put his fears to rest....apparently not.
I think one of the final straws for me was the anxiety. I have been very sick since all this began. I try to suck it up and be tough but that is a little hard to do when you feel nauseated all day. Still, I try to keep it to myself as much as possible. People always tell me everything shows on my face though....so he asks me what's wrong. I am not going to lie...I say I just feel sick and that I am sure it is just anxiety. He blows up and tells me how SICK HE is of me being SICK. I said well if you don't want to know the answer, then don't fucking ask me.
Still, If I move out then I have no one else that can take care of the dog while i am at school. So I guess it all depends on whether I am going to finish or not and if I am whether I can put up with living there for now.
It's not a matter of being alone really. I am alone even when he is there. I am so lonely I could scream some days but I know I just need to get used to it. I have no illusions that I will someday find true love. Truthfully I realize that I will probably spend the rest of my life alone. The anxiety makes me stick to the same routines to feel comfortable and mostly being a homebody. I am not afraid to go out but I am not exactly going to be running out to meet people either. Even if I did meet someone the chances of them being a non drinker are slim to none. It is amazing how many people drink and think alcohol is a fun time.
I joke with my bosses at work that I will end up the lonely, crazy, old lady living alone in the desert. I make it a joke but it's probably not that far from the truth.
Replies