Still frustrated

Things aren't too bad, as of now anyway.  But I'm still feeling this sense of frustration.  So much so I feel like screaming at times. (I'm actually pround of myself that I'm not). The craziness in the world is getting worse.  My money situation is now becoming a problem. I have no clue how I'm going to be able to afford nice Christmas presents for my family this year.  And also, most times my family I live with drives me nuts.  Then on top of that I have this fucking mental illness that's ruined my life.  I seemed to be in between cycles right now, but it's only a matter of time.  I fear that any small thing could be a trigger.  Everytime I feel a little hyper or depressed I think crap is this it.  Although my last little bit of depression a few weeks ago I wasn't to worried about.  I told my psych that it just felt like a dark cloud was passing by.  I'm thankful that it did and it didn't turn in to anything.  My horrific thoughts still torment me, but they're my normal and will never go away.  And that's really frustrating.  

Then there's that I suck at everything I try to do.  I want to be good at something so bad.  I thought I could be good at composing music, but I'm second guessing that. My last track, (that I put the link below for) turned out ok, I guess, sort of. Even if it didn't turn out ok, it was a lot of fun to work on.  I guess that's what should count, right?  I wanted to do a trailer cover of a song that my nephew played for me and got stuck in my head. It was kind of a funny sea shanty song.  I've been working on something of my own for months now with no luck.  Everything I come up with is crap. 

I'm feeling so much frustration with that as well that I feel I should take a step back and not spend all my time composing.  So I've decided to take up some art on the computer to do as well.  I'm not exactly sure what to call it.  It's not graphic design.  Maybe digital art or 3d computer modeling?  So far it's a huge challenge to try and learn the software I'm using.  It's very complex and confusing.  But I'm committed to doing something creative as a kind of therapy to continue to fight. Who am I kiding, I'll most likely suck at that too.  Just adding to my frustration.  I think I'll sit and stare at a damn wall.  Maybe I could be good at that.  

https://soundcloud.com/user-583064229-536650780/wellerman-trailer-version?si=13439f97ba0f44f6b3ea3b8854fca67e&utm_source=clipboard&utm_medium=text&utm_campaign=social_sharing