"Still ... after all this time ... "

People who say STUPID (it's the only word that fits) things about "time heals all wounds", "you should be over this by now" or any other phrases people toss out who have never felt the worst pain any parent could ever feel. 
March 16th is 12 years that Randy Lee passed away. He's forever 18. I look at his friends and they are all turning 30 or so, having lives, children of their own ... and I get to look at the same photos I have for 12 years. Same sweet face but it's the same sweet face. 
I've become really, really good at who I let in to see my pain. It's more because of me than it is for them. I keep Randy Lee in my life, in my heart. I talk about him because he's my son. Death doesn't change that. I still have wonderful memories ... funny times ... sad times ... death didn't change those memories. 
I see new moms and how everyone fawns over the baby, talking about the birth stories, who they will be when they grow up. No one ever thinks "he looks like someone who will do drugs" or "She's going to die when she's a teenager" or any other sad things we've lived through. 
12 years and there are days it's as though it's happening right now. There are days it seems so long ago it seems like another world. My heart aches to this day but I can honestly say I still would be Randy Lee's mom even knowing the outcome. Why wouldn't I choose that? Pain isn't a reason to not experience the greatest joy of life. 
You just know the "fool" that ever uttered those words "time heals ... " didn't lose a child. I remember the night my dad died. I was 23, he was 43 and I felt sadness, upset Randy Lee wasn't going to know him longer and a void. My Grandma was always my "mom. When she passed away we were all there including Randy Lee. I was 33 and I just felt empty. I couldn't sleep, cried all the time. I've said see you later to friends, other family ... each time feeling sad but Randy Lee's death is so much different. A part of me died that day too. 
I look at myself and I know I'm not the same person ~ how could I be? I look at my life and sometimes I'm not sure it's me. I had a very dear friend tell me last year that I wasn't different, I wasn't the same person any more. He's right but as much as I love him and as dear a friend as he's always been those words hurt more than he knew. He knew Randy Lee, was his 5th grade teacher so he was there for all of it. Ours was always an odd friendship ~ we are complete opposites. He meant it in a totally different concept than how I heard it but I am different. You can't loss a child and stay the same. You just can't. 
I'm not going to say I'm a better now or I was better then .. I'm just different. Life proceeded no matter how much at one point I tried to stop it. The sun came out, the season's changed, people lived no matter how much I wanted to hide from it all. Even I realized I couldn't stop it so I had to find a way, find the strength to "proceed". I didn't use the word "live" when talking about myself for a long time because it didn't feel like living. 
12 years later and here I sit. 12 years without Randy lee physically here on earth. 12 years with a void in my heart. 12 years .... 12 years .. 12 years .... that just seems impossible. 
I dread this time of year. No matter how hard I try not to feel it ... try to hide it ... feelings surface at times when I'd rather they not. I know some people have said and felt that I'm "cold" because I have proceeded on but honestly, what people think of me isn't a concern. I don't care. I digress here but that, THAT is the single best gift anyone can ever get or give themselves. Coming to a point in life where you honestly don't give a shit what others say or think about you. It comes with age and it's a nice place to be. Having said that ~ I KNOW I'm not cold. I also know I can shut someone out of my life when I want to and I can build a wall higher and longer than the Great Wall of China in my life when I need to do so. 
I know I'll go to work every day until Friday, March 13 when the moment I walk out of work (which will likely be 10pm!) I don't have to return there until the 24th I will cry the entire drive home. I'll hold it together in public until then ... the privacy of my own bedroom is a different story. This time of year I'll bury myself a little deeper than I normally do in work, I'll avoid social things just a bit more than I normally do, I'll binge on things I know I shouldn't just a tad more ... and I'll miss Randy Lee just a bit more than I did yesterday. 
Living ... proceeding ... whatever we call this THING that we are doing since our children left this earth happens no matter what we want. We miss them ... we remember them ... we mourn them ... we love them for the rest of our days. You know what ... that's how it should be. We're their mom's ... forever. God entrusted us to be moms to amazing people. The fact that their story didn't have as many chapters as any of us wanted doesn't change that. The fact that some of them saw struggles in their life that were unfair doesn't change that. The fact that it made us see the word differently doesn't change that. 
So, I'll try really hard to focus on the happy times but when the tears come as they always do ... It will be fine. I doesn't change anything. My heart smiles & cries when I think of Randy Lee ... my heart aches without him but beats because of him. THE single most important job I have ever had ... and to quote one of my favorite children s books ... I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be .... Holds try on the 12th anniversary of his angel date as it has always. 
Off to work ....