STIGMA

Stigma ~ it's a nasty thing and sadly is more common than people think. 

I work in mental health and with the population that knows stigma that has effected them daily. Having a mental health diagnoses does not make you "crazy" or "disposable". It's not contagious nor are you able to "mold" someone into a what you think they should be. We all are who we are meant to be. More importantly just because your child, parent, loved one has a mental health issue doesn't make them bad, it doesn't mean they don't love you or that you didn't love them enough. "It is what it is ~ we are who we are". 
Having said that I work with amazing people who give so much of themselves to help the people we provide supports to at our agency. We go out on a limb, we get frustrated with life but we never give up. We search out ways to help people see they are special, they do matter and they can recover in order to live on their own.
I think knowing my work family and how much we do/care made this next point more difficult to accept. Thanksgiving day a person I work with posted a status on a social media site referencing the issues occurring in Ferguson.  Let me add here that I'm not siding with the police officer or the young man who died. I wasn't there, I don't know what happened but I do believe in our justice system. The Grand jury did not find enough evidence to indict. My opinion doesn't matter because this is the system we as a nation follow. 
The status was making comments about "If you had been a better parent your child wouldn't have been flawed. Had you doe your job then you child wouldn't have been the person he turned out to be. Face it you failed as a parent and your child is a thug". 
Again, I'm not siding with anyone. I again don't have the information to make an informed decision. Three people know what happened in that moment - The young man, the officer and God. 
I spent a great deal of time blaming myself, had I only done more, pushed harder, found another rehab, done more therapy or if I had sent him away to put distance between those around him to keep him from using. Knowing something in your HEAD and again in your HEART are totally different. After years of beating myself up, second guessing each choice I made I realize I did try. I pushed Randy Lee into rehab, I restricted him to the house, I banned this person or that person .... "I" did try. Randy Lee tried but in the end the addiction was too strong, his struggles were too great. I prayed to God for peace for him and to guide him where he needed to be. Nine months after I made that plea crying in my car Randy Lee passed away. Not the ending I wanted at all.
I take offense at the attitude my co-worker has, that she believes she or anyone has the right to pass judgement on any parent especially without knowing details. For all I know these parents went all out raising a good, loving child but something in him kept that from taking. Maybe they taught him respect but he wanted the following the "wrong" crowd provided. Maybe he struggled with something that made him seek out that all accepting crowd of those that are addicts. Sadly, we could learn from that crowd. They don't shun anyone - no matter who you are you're accepted. I really found her stance offending. 
A teen who is involved with their church & youth group. Who loved Sunday mornings in church and activities there spending time with his friends. Who spends their summer working with their youth group to improve disadvantaged kids lives. A young man who has an amazing sense of humor, loves scaring his mom, loves his grandparents and has a soft spot for animals. Who can't stand to see someone else in need and would go out of his way to ensure they were taken care of. A person who is intelligent, got good grades and knowledgeable about computers. A sensitive young person who writes poetry one minute and is out participating in his school teams. Who may struggle with depression and mania all in the same week but keeps going. Who can run on less than 3 hours of sleep in as many days and binge eats. Someone who struggled with self acceptance and turned to drugs to feel "normal". Seeking out ways to self medicate not understanding why no doctor seemed to believe him when he said something was wrong. Someone who got so angry at his mom for pushing him, finding rehabs, getting him to a psychiatrist and therapists. A young man who grew up in a home without alcohol or drugs, who tried so hard to beat his demon, buried friends from the same demon but never seemed to get that to take hold. Who is the love of his mother's life and the best thing that ever happened to her. 
Well that was Randy Lee. The "good" and the "bad". I know he was taught right from wrong. I know he knew what doing the right thing was and that it was more important to people in your life over things. I know he knew I loved him even when he was screaming at me that he hated me for what I was pushing him to do. I know his anger was real as was his love. I know he was a kind, gentle, loving, helpful, intelligent and sweet person who was BiPolar and an addict. It didn't change any of what I just wrote. 
There isn't one of us who has lost a child who hasn't played the "what if I .... " or "If I did this ...." game. We're mom's - we're supposed to fix everything. Admitting or accepting that we don't have that control is a long lesson to learn. 
I really take offense that Stigma still exists. Especially people who work in a field that has you seeing that daily. I find it offense for people to think you could generalize parents into a group that don't care about their child because the child did something wrong. I couldn't have loved Randy Lee more ... I was aggressive, tough love and pushed him into programs I felt or was told were going to help him. I made sure he was accountable and knew right from wrong. So I'm to blame for his death? I'm to blame for his addiction? I'm to blame because I did or didn't do enough??? Trust me ~ I've blamed myself for his death for quite a while. I still have days, moments where I think .... if I had just .... Trust me ... as you know NO ONE can tell us any version of what we should have done or could have done that we haven't already questioned ourselves on. 
Fact is mental health is real. Fact is addiction is real. Dual Diagnosis is a real thing. It's not like a cold that simply passes. It CONSUMES the person. It eats them alive ... it drowns them .... it changes them ... it kills them. 
To lump a person into a group because this or that happened. Society has a space where it's easier for some to blame the parent or teacher or friends than to accept the person made their own choices, made their own decisions, made mistakes. I made my choices .... Randy Lee made his choices..... the good ones, the bad ones ... we made our own choices. 
When did it become okay to judge someone else? Who has the right to say anything especially when there's no way you can have all the facts? How many people that I know ... or Randy Lee knew that blame me for his death? If forgave people who I held grudges on based on the battle we all fought for 4 yrs with Randy Lee. I can't lie blame on anyone. I raised Randy Lee to be a strong, independent person who made his own choices not follow the crowd. I raised him be kind and thoughtful of others. I raised him to stand his ground, to stand up for what he believed in and most of all, to respect & love others. Randy Lee made his choices ... as I made mine. 
I stand up for people every day at work to others who dismiss them as broken or invaluable.  I'm out spoken, blunt and I can stand my ground with the best of them. I was led to this field of work and there is no doubt in my mind that it was exactly what and where I needed to be. 
Don't assume you know me by something you've heard 2nd, 3rd or 10th hand. Don't think you can know what I feel or believe based on one incident. Don't judge me. You don't walk in my shoes ... you haven't lived my pain. Spend more time looking in the mirror and working on yourself. Learn acceptance ... learn insight .... learn compassion .... learn love. 
Stigma ... prejudice ... it's all ugly. Acceptance ... respect ... that's what is important. Some times it takes one person to show a person, open their eyes to the pain we all know. Some people get it .... some people don't. 
I love my son ... I reached out and pushed what I could to get help ... I view and for a period of time I failed to see Randy Lee's view. In the end ... no one knows my walk. No one knows my journey .... while we have a connection of shared loss & pain that allows us to understand the feelings that go along with that ~ even now can you look into your heart and say you've never judged? I can't ... I'm simply trying to learn from my life, my loss, my feelings ... I'm striving to be a better me. 
What I won't change, what I can't change because I did it to the max is love Randy Lee.... forever and always ... He was a good person, I've never swayed on those two things. I never will.