Staying strong...
I'm trying to stay strong today... It's been a hard and long day, but special thanks go to an amazing friend I've made on here for cheering me up and keeping me going... I'm trying to stay positive, stay happy, and overall I'm doing okay... I'm okay with my sister being in the hospital... I'm eating properly again and I'm okay with the fact that I'm gaining a little bit of the weight back... I'm okay with the fact that I can't walk and I likely wont be running again until sometime in the spring/summer... It sucks, especially because running specifically is how I release tension and stress, but I'm okay with it... School is going well.. it's still early, but it's going well.. I'm okay with the fact my mom is sick... and my dog is sick.... well....I'm not really okay with my dog being sick..but I'm really trying hard to be okay with that.... He really should be certified as my stress companion.. because that's what he is.. He knows when I'm stressed and he comes and cuddles with me.. he's an amazing dog, and I'll have to learn to be okay without him... morbid thoughts... I'm trying to be happy...okay...not morbid. I can't expect to be happy after everything I've been through... the one thing....the number one thing that I am not okay with... I am not okay with losing my best friend, my ex... and I've only lost him because my best friend is a jealous bitch. I never would have called her that before... but the things she's said to me and about me.... she's no best friend of mine...I'm just keeping good terms with her.... Every time I talk to him... I text him to update him on my sister or my dog ("our kid")-mine long before we met, he's really cold... he says he appreciates the update, says it's good to hear my sister is doing better or whatever... but he's cold... he's not as sensitive as he used to be.... the old him...he would have been at my side the day I told him my sister was in the hospital and that I wasn't okay.... I have to get used to not having him around...but it hurts to lose a best friend... to lose someone you still love and will always love.... Sadness... I don't like it... this was supposed to be an "im okay" journal... I am staying strong, I'm eating, I'm not in a dark depression spiraling down anymore... I don't think about suicide or hurting myself... I've thought about hurting the wall... and table... and counter....okay, in all honesty.. I have hurt the counter a few times... but I'm doing okay... I'm still sober! 2 weeks now.. I guess, 15 days now that it's after midnight here... but, that's a pretty big accomplishment for me considering everything I've gone through and how badly I've wanted to drink... I'm really proud of myself for staying sober.. It's a big accomplishment for me. Overall I'm okay.. there's just a couple things that still really hurt.. but overall, I'm okay..
Special thanks to my girl Aelle..
Special thanks to my girl Aelle..
Replies
I AM VERY VERY PROUD OF U HAVE COME ALONG WAY DEAR NO DRINKING AWESOME - YOUR EATING AWESOME - YOUR NOT HURTING YOURSELF AWESOME IT\'S SO GOOD TO SEE U GOING FORWARD I KNOW U STILL HURT BUT U ARE DOING IT GIRL REMEMBER YOU TAKE OURS HANDS & WE WON\'\'T LET GO, I HOPE YOUR PUPPY & YOUR MOM & SISTER ARE DOING BETTER,,,
(((LUV,ANGEL)))).
thanks Angel, I appreciate the support.
Hello!
OMG! Dear love, what a rush of blushing I have now. Of course, always my love is to you! And my attention to your needs is a complete pleasure.
I hope that your sister is stable now and making significant progress with treatment and therapy. :) My love to her!
And you seem to doing well with your diet! I am happy for that! Quite prudent of you, so to speak! Nice!
I really hope that the ex-factor will not linger in your heart and mind for very long though. It appears to help you grow more determined and less vulnerable to how you are being treated. I can understand how you feel with him and his new relationship with the former girlfriend. You are within your ability to handle the matter with wise discretion though. I can tell this by your language used to explain the situation. You do so well at detailing the matter.
And Im so happy for your sobriety for the past few weeks. Great efforts!! Oh, but my dear love, you deserve all honor and praise for your strength and courage. It is you that set the guidelines and your aggressive approach to developing useful strategies to overcome the urges is your highpoint of great challenges; you are worthy of praise.And I am so pleased with you for this! Keep it going, love!
Love Aelle
Thanks Aelle hunny!
My sister is doing better, thanks. She\'s allowed day visits every now & then.. She was out for 4 hours yesterday, she went for dinner with our mom & came home shortly, and tomorrow she gets to come home for 4 hours again :) She\'s been diagnosed as bi-polar/manic depressive.. Same thing as my oldest sister... Turns out it runs in my family & essentially just has to be triggered.. I had it triggered in me before, we just didn\'t really realize it at the time... So I now have to be especially careful to watch my stress levels, and be careful with how far I fall into depression... I can aknowledge that the severity of my depression is likely because of my bi-polar/manic depression genes...or..tendencies?
I\'m trying really hard to balance my diet, I\'m still struggling a little tho, I\'ll be starving and full after a couple bites of food, so I just eat really slow even tho I don\'t feel hungry.. I need to eat & not fall backwards again.
The ex stuff is so difficult...but I talked to him today and he just wants to spend time alone with his new girlfriend and establish their relationship or some crap... I\'m still not happy with his insensitivity towards me but I\'m trying to let it go.... I\'m not able to forgive my \'supposed\' best friend/his new gf... But whatever, I\'m trying to move past it! :)
Thank you Aelle, it\'s been really really hard to stay sober, but it\'s really rewarding! I feel really good every time I aknowledge how long I\'ve been sober & how hard it\'s been.
I saw my counselor for the first time today... That was...interesting... But she completely understands what I\'m going through and we\'re going to start therapy in a couple weeks. I\'m really happy I went back & made an appointment with her...especially with everything going on with my sister & now knowing I have to be extremely careful to not have the same thing happen... It\'s a long road ahead...
Love acinorev
My love to you as well, acinorev! Hello!
Oh what great news, that you arenow seeing a therapist/counselor. And thanks for updating me on your emotional status. Yes, I understand the subject of mood disorders, dear one. And, while on that subject, please make sure to get a nutritional screening and complete lab/blood work. I am sort of sure that your therapist will advise this as well. The therapist will soon know why you should have a current medical evaluation, so there is no need to explain why I am suggesting this. I do desire the best for you, love. Thank you for providing understanding of your personal symptoms. Stay determined to fight this thing. And my best is for your family and their challenges as well.
Aelle
Thanks Aelle, I will keep that in mind.
Acinorev
:)
Welcome, again...love.
Aelle
...one more thought on the matter of your therapy needs, acinorev. It may be better that I give you some space until you\'ve had time to talk out your concerns with the therapist. I am picking up sharp vibes with your moods and I don\'t care to add any additional stress with you at this time. I am sure that you understand what I\'m telling you, do smile though. I still love you.
Aelle
okay... if you feel that\'s best.. I\'m at a loss, but that\'s okay. I love you too Aelle
Im glad to hear your sister is doing a bit better & i know how hard it is for u to let go of what happened with the ex but im sure u will be better off in the long run it will get better & thrilled that u r doing really good staying sober that will also be the best for u in the long run & im happy to hear ur are going back to ur counsler i know it will help u - see u keep taking those baby steps & im so so very proud of u...keep going forward & u will see that lite i keep saying is at the end of that tunnel.
(((Luv u,Angel))).
Sorry to put you at a loss of understanding, love. But trust me on this one. It\'s just my personal idea for a very good reason. But please do me one favor though; keep me informed of your therapy sessions as you write your journals; I read. I\'m interested in what the therapist will tell you. I suspect some things myself of your health concerns and I don\'t want to start telling you what \"I\" see because this may complicate the matter, sort of put ideas in your head which your therapist may not see right away. I want for this person to be careful with you and take the needed time to get to the root of the matter, which is very important to not speculate but look carefully for accurate details.
Great support of you, angel butterfly, haha! Love to both of my sweet friends.
Aelle
Thanks Angel!! I\'m definitely feeling a lot better overall, and I know I was just being a bit over-sensitive about my ex, it just felt like a betrayal, and I was just hurting, but it\'s fine now, we talked and sorted things out, so it\'s okay.
Dont worry about it Aelle, right now my counselor is focused on doing the therapy she did with me before when I went in for my PTSD that I had for 7 years after being raped, so we\'ll be working through that and she\'s really happy to hear that I\'m not drinking. She\'s getting me to do a bunch of stuff for depression, just like.. writing down things that make you happy and then think of how often you do them and when you last did them and stuff... and making goals and finding things that I can change in my life if i want to and stuff... It should go well :) I\'m not too concerned about anything right now :)
Thanks to you both, love you!!
Acinorev
You are very welcome, acinorev. Take care, dear love.
Love Aelle