STARTING TO BELIEVE ???
Yesterday I woke up to the scent of my daughter's cologne. I just laid there for a few seconds breathing it in and then nothing. I know I wasn't dreaming this. Is it because I miss her so much or that I want her to give me some sort of sign that I am imaging this. I was a big believer that our loved ones watched over us. A while ago I heard her voice say "Mom", but it was also in the morning. Mayb my mind is playing tricks on me because I talk to her evey nite before bed. I tell her how much I love her and miss her and to plez visit me in a dream. But, I haven't dreamt of her yet. My sister was so happy for me. She strongly believes that there are ways that Jackie will come through, I just have to be aware of it.
Today is 3 months since my baby is gone. I'm going to the cemetary today. I have knots in my stomach. Why did this happen? I t hought she was handling her pain. I keep seeing her slumped over in the car. I can't get that nite out of my head. My life will never b the same. When I try to stay busy I don't cry, but as soon as I stop I can't control my thoughts. The hole that is in my heart will never ever close. Its broken. Jackie was with me all the time. I look over to the seat in the car and try to see her there. There is one thing that she left me that I will cherish and keep close to me forever. When Jackie came out to us that she was Gay, she cut off her pony tail, she had very long hair. I found it wrapped up in a scarf. Her beautiful hair, a part of her that I hold against my face just to feel a piece of her. Im not sure if that is a good thing because I can't control my crying, but I am happy that I found it. Does that make me sound crazy? I don't know anymore what is normal. I should have died first, not my beautiful daughter.
Today is 3 months since my baby is gone. I'm going to the cemetary today. I have knots in my stomach. Why did this happen? I t hought she was handling her pain. I keep seeing her slumped over in the car. I can't get that nite out of my head. My life will never b the same. When I try to stay busy I don't cry, but as soon as I stop I can't control my thoughts. The hole that is in my heart will never ever close. Its broken. Jackie was with me all the time. I look over to the seat in the car and try to see her there. There is one thing that she left me that I will cherish and keep close to me forever. When Jackie came out to us that she was Gay, she cut off her pony tail, she had very long hair. I found it wrapped up in a scarf. Her beautiful hair, a part of her that I hold against my face just to feel a piece of her. Im not sure if that is a good thing because I can't control my crying, but I am happy that I found it. Does that make me sound crazy? I don't know anymore what is normal. I should have died first, not my beautiful daughter.
Replies
I have felt all the feelings you are describing...Yes they are normal...no you aren\'t going crazy. It\'s normal GRIEF. I have grieved my parents and my only sibling ( 6 years older than me who died a year before my daughter). I loved them all with all my heart and I grieved normally. But when Melissa died in 2008, my whole world fell apart as I am sure yours did. We aren\'t supposed to outlive our children which makes it all the more devastating!!!
Those are signs she is giving you....they are hurting to see us hurting so badly that they want to give us signs to let us know that they are ok. I have gotten many signs from Melissa and one from my mom 2 weeks before Melissa died. I truly believe in them. I am going on 3 years this November without Melissa and sometimes I feel I\'m getting a little better and other times I feel that I wished I had died instead of her too..But we didn\'t and I can only hope there is a reason for it. Hugs and love, Connie
You are just fine...there are many times I walk into a room and smell Billy - I just smile because I know he is right there with me.
no crazies here...we all are... I hear my Morgan say..\"I\'m fine, Mom\" when I go in her room, she is there, I go in to smell her, hold her things..I think it;s just great you have her hair. I was given a small lock at the hospital.. ((hugs)) Nora
Crazy? No, no more than any of us...
I have heard my Mom talk to me, I have smelled her signature Liy of the Valley Perfume... my Jenn didn\'t have a signature scent... I wish she did.
How lucky you have her ponytail..I would LOVE to have that of my Jenn.
Hugs dear friend...MaryLou
I\'m sure it is Jackie coming through to you. No doubt at all she was right there with you when you smelled her cologne. My son was a suicide also. His story was so much like Jackie\'s, he was sick with Sarcoidosis and in pain. Taking lots of medications (steroids and sleeping meds) for the disease and his personality changed. The day after his wife left he shot himself. I cry all the time, it\'s been almost 5 months now and only one day did I not cry. Crying is cleansing we need to do it, don\'t fight it -- let it flow. Sending you love, Terry
Sending you my heartfelt love and support. Things are so very new and fresh for you that many things will seem crazy, but we do whatever we need to cope. I still talk to my son, ask him to visit, blow him a kiss as I look at his picture each morning. Crazy? Maybe, but not to me. Prayers for comfort in the days ahead. Love Robin
Not crazy at all! I am so glad that you are sensing her and feeling her presence. This is such a gift of comfort and she chose a way that you would not miss. Oh, to have that long pony tail of hair... I\'m glad that you found it and sleep with it if it brings you comfort. There are no right or wrong ways on this path. Lots of loving care to your broken heart... I understand. Tight hugs, Joanie
I don\'t know what the definition of crazy is....were our children \"crazy\" for doing what they did? Sometimes, I believe they were more normal than most of us....more sane...this life ain\'t easy...it is damned hard and today my mind is blazing wiht questions about \"signs\" because just last night my granddaughter asked me if it was crazy that she heard her daddy\'s voice say, \"I\'m fine..it\'s okay.\" I reassured her it was indeed a sign and that she should accept that as his way of telling her that he is okay where he is....better than we who have been left behind to deal with his absence. I am so glad you have a scent that reminds you of your daughter...and her ponytail is a tangible gift...her DNA....cherish it and know you are not alone in this turbulent weather of grief. God bless you...hugs, dale...brandon\'s mom
Thank you everyone so much for your support. I am going to be more open to these signs. I did question myself after I heard her say \"mom\" . I was starting to fall back to sleep. I could have been dreaming, but not the cologne. I woke up to it. It was there and I was smelling it as hard as I could. I know now that she was with me. Holding her hair in my hand and rubbing it on my face, and smelling it. It is overwhelming and I cant stop crying but I know I am so lucky to have found it.
I believe that Jackie comes to visit you. I just wrote in my last two journals of visits from Alex...he said momma to me in church this past Sunday and then I dreamed of him. A couple years ago I smelled Alex...he worked for a local golf course in turf management...he always smelled of sweat and gasoline. I was waking up and I smelled that...I thought my other son was in the room with me(cause at the time he was doing the same type work...it was amazing. Allow those to be special times with your daughter. Love to you...Karen