Special Delivery from Heaven ....
This is by far not one of my favorite times of year at this point in my life. Losing a child sort of takes that sparkle out of the holidays.
Christmas was a sad place in our lives 15 months before Randy Lee passed away. It was a difficult point in his recovery ... or lapse as it was. I made a very hard decision at the end of October 2001 to do something drastic in the hopes it would "knock some sense" into my son's stubborn head. I had him arrested for having drugs in our home. He was on the last week of house arrest for an alcohol poisoning and underage consumption fine he had gotten in the summer. I still remember calling his DJJ worker to tell him what I found and what I was going to do. "Are you really sure you want to do that? I mean - he's off house arrest in 7 days and well .... it's going to be a lot of paperwork and hearings". REALLY? "Yeah, I'm sure I want to ATTEMPT to keep my son from killing himself since he obviously didn't get the message from your little "house arrest" stint and oh yeah ... I'm not too sorry you'll have to actually do your job!". Needless to say he and I did not have a good relationship after that -- the DJJ worker and I. If nothing if not blunt and when you tick me off ... mess with my child ... I'm down right mean. I called the cops. They came -- checked my house, found the stash in his room right where I found it. Determined it wasn't a "family" issue and that the home was well cared for, obviously Randy Lee was more than cared for and issued the warrent. The state trooper just shook his head when I shared what the DJJ worker said ... "and they wonder why we aren't fans of theirs". ( I had gone to high school with the state trooper). He went to Randy's school and arrested him. A night in detention and he was sentenced to 60 days in pt at our local detox center for teens. Rare for a teen in our county to get in but sometimes it's who you know. I wasn't sorry for that favor it meant seeing him more.
It was a rough 2 months. Randy was less than happy with me in the beginning and wasn't a model teen there. He decided they were worth "playing with" and he spun a tale that was so far from the norm I about fell off the chair the first family session we had. When he smirked at me as his counselor told of "living in poverty, not having shoes, going without meals because his parents didn't work". The look on my face and his dad's must have be something because she stopped and asked "do you dispute this?". Hell yes - are you aware that he's here on private insurance not state? Look at the shoes on his feet, the jeans - are those goign without? Does he look like he hasn't eaten? Really lady -- do you want me to do your job too? She looked at him and he just smiled that smile of his and said "I told you all the first night my mom was right, I was wrong, I was using and you didn't want to hear it so I wrote you a story in my head ... that you believed". Then he looked at me and it was one of those looks that melted my heart "I'm sorry mom - I try ... I really try ... I want to stop, I really do". The mom in me wanted it to be true, the adult felt it was "a story" he wanted me to believe. (years later after he passed, reading his journel ... it was true even if he wasn't able to find long term success). This was going to be a rough battle -- DJJ wasn't happy with me and now the therapist - UGH! Cut to December 18. I'm at home, the phone rings and it's Randy Lee's friend Chelsea. Not my favorite friend since her mom took it upon herself to decide my child was permitted to drink in her house no questions because she was "cool". Mark's dead - it was a car accident - he's dead and they won't let me tell Randy. Those words echoed. Mark was one of Randy Lee's best friends and they were seldom apart. All I could do was feel thankful - how wrong is that? I was thankful because I knew Randy Lee would have been with him had he not been arrested. They worked together, always the same shifts and Randy Lee rode with Mark. Mark was coming home from work, crossed the center line and was T-boned.
I BEGGED, I mean begged the rehab center and DJJ to allow me to 1. have a special visit to tell Randy Lee so he didnt' read it in the paper and 2. To allow me to take him to the viewing. It was a long battle, I stood my ground and I wasn't above getting legal help so they agreed. I remember going there that morning with newspaper in hand. Checking in, walking down the halls and hearing my shoes squek on the shiny floors. Feeling like I was going to vomit. Randy was headed to group when he saw me and he knew it wasn't normal and his first words were "what happened?", We sat down and it felt like forever before I could say the words and hand him the newspaper. No one wants to hurt their child and here I was doing it for the second time in 2 months. He didn't say a word - he read the paper and the tears started to flow. He looked over at me and didn't say a single word for what seemed like forever. They had given me 30 mins but I really wasn't in the mood for them to pull their BS and I'm sure my look said as much because they didn't ask me to leave. The first thing he said was "I want to see him". I let him know he was going - I made sure of that. "Mom - will you do something for me?". Was there a doubt? "of course".. ... "Will you get me yellow roses to take - and in unison we said.... "they're your favorite". :) Be ready at 6:30 and I'll have them with me. "Mom, they won't let me go". "Randy Lee - be ready at 6:30 and I'll have the roses. I love you kid ... I'm so sorry". He just nodded.
Taking him there that night was a fight but one I wasn't giving in on for a few reasons. I knew Randy Lee needed to see to understand - for it to be real. I won't go into the details but I knew the circumstances were ones he needed to see the consequence of. Walking in ... to the casket ... Mark in his normal attire and ballhat on his head. He looked like he was sleeping. Randy stood there for a few minutes and I could see the message was there. He put the roses on the back of the lid and walked away. I wasn't expecting what Mark's dad did but I was thankful. He called Randy Lee outside right before we were leaving. He told him "You know kid, your mom saved your life." Then he handed Randy Lee Mark's leather jacket. He was never without that thing --- i don't think Randy Lee cared who saw him crying at that point as he hugged Mark's dad.
It was 2 wks later that Randy Lee was transferred to a program about an hour from our home for what would be a 90 day transition back to our home. Those words that Mark's dad said to him that night hit home. Something clicked in Randy Lee. He told me "I want to graduate with my class, but I blew off all my work". (I worked for the BOE). I told him to get cracking and I would do what I could. He managed to do his entire senior year from Jan 2 to Apr 18 and with a great GPA. He walked with his class, got his dipolma and was clean and sober. I was so very proud. I can't tell you what that moment felt like. I remember one of the first nights Randy Lee was home, walking into his bedroom to check on him and seeing him there on the bed asleep .... wearing Mark's jacket. It's an image I've never forgotten.
My reason for the story is that it will be 12 years of Mark's death in just over a week. For the past week I can't get the urge -- the need -- the thought that I need to take him yellow roses. I believe in signs and I know Randy Lee has often sent me ones when I need them most. I'm not sure of this other than to maybe let me know he and Mark are in heaven safe and sound. I'm sure they're as happy as can be. I will take Mark yellow roses, visit his grave and leave them with a note "from your angel brother". I'm too logical to accept that's all this is -- for me, I know I'll understand why he wants me to do this now eventually but I know I will do this for my son.
What a more magnificant place to celebrate the birth of Christ than in heaven as angels? Mark & Randy Lee are there together ... while I know they have tons of family there I smile knowing they are there together. If it had to happen - at least I know Randy Lee was welcomed there with loving arms and friendship.
Christmas was a sad place in our lives 15 months before Randy Lee passed away. It was a difficult point in his recovery ... or lapse as it was. I made a very hard decision at the end of October 2001 to do something drastic in the hopes it would "knock some sense" into my son's stubborn head. I had him arrested for having drugs in our home. He was on the last week of house arrest for an alcohol poisoning and underage consumption fine he had gotten in the summer. I still remember calling his DJJ worker to tell him what I found and what I was going to do. "Are you really sure you want to do that? I mean - he's off house arrest in 7 days and well .... it's going to be a lot of paperwork and hearings". REALLY? "Yeah, I'm sure I want to ATTEMPT to keep my son from killing himself since he obviously didn't get the message from your little "house arrest" stint and oh yeah ... I'm not too sorry you'll have to actually do your job!". Needless to say he and I did not have a good relationship after that -- the DJJ worker and I. If nothing if not blunt and when you tick me off ... mess with my child ... I'm down right mean. I called the cops. They came -- checked my house, found the stash in his room right where I found it. Determined it wasn't a "family" issue and that the home was well cared for, obviously Randy Lee was more than cared for and issued the warrent. The state trooper just shook his head when I shared what the DJJ worker said ... "and they wonder why we aren't fans of theirs". ( I had gone to high school with the state trooper). He went to Randy's school and arrested him. A night in detention and he was sentenced to 60 days in pt at our local detox center for teens. Rare for a teen in our county to get in but sometimes it's who you know. I wasn't sorry for that favor it meant seeing him more.
It was a rough 2 months. Randy was less than happy with me in the beginning and wasn't a model teen there. He decided they were worth "playing with" and he spun a tale that was so far from the norm I about fell off the chair the first family session we had. When he smirked at me as his counselor told of "living in poverty, not having shoes, going without meals because his parents didn't work". The look on my face and his dad's must have be something because she stopped and asked "do you dispute this?". Hell yes - are you aware that he's here on private insurance not state? Look at the shoes on his feet, the jeans - are those goign without? Does he look like he hasn't eaten? Really lady -- do you want me to do your job too? She looked at him and he just smiled that smile of his and said "I told you all the first night my mom was right, I was wrong, I was using and you didn't want to hear it so I wrote you a story in my head ... that you believed". Then he looked at me and it was one of those looks that melted my heart "I'm sorry mom - I try ... I really try ... I want to stop, I really do". The mom in me wanted it to be true, the adult felt it was "a story" he wanted me to believe. (years later after he passed, reading his journel ... it was true even if he wasn't able to find long term success). This was going to be a rough battle -- DJJ wasn't happy with me and now the therapist - UGH! Cut to December 18. I'm at home, the phone rings and it's Randy Lee's friend Chelsea. Not my favorite friend since her mom took it upon herself to decide my child was permitted to drink in her house no questions because she was "cool". Mark's dead - it was a car accident - he's dead and they won't let me tell Randy. Those words echoed. Mark was one of Randy Lee's best friends and they were seldom apart. All I could do was feel thankful - how wrong is that? I was thankful because I knew Randy Lee would have been with him had he not been arrested. They worked together, always the same shifts and Randy Lee rode with Mark. Mark was coming home from work, crossed the center line and was T-boned.
I BEGGED, I mean begged the rehab center and DJJ to allow me to 1. have a special visit to tell Randy Lee so he didnt' read it in the paper and 2. To allow me to take him to the viewing. It was a long battle, I stood my ground and I wasn't above getting legal help so they agreed. I remember going there that morning with newspaper in hand. Checking in, walking down the halls and hearing my shoes squek on the shiny floors. Feeling like I was going to vomit. Randy was headed to group when he saw me and he knew it wasn't normal and his first words were "what happened?", We sat down and it felt like forever before I could say the words and hand him the newspaper. No one wants to hurt their child and here I was doing it for the second time in 2 months. He didn't say a word - he read the paper and the tears started to flow. He looked over at me and didn't say a single word for what seemed like forever. They had given me 30 mins but I really wasn't in the mood for them to pull their BS and I'm sure my look said as much because they didn't ask me to leave. The first thing he said was "I want to see him". I let him know he was going - I made sure of that. "Mom - will you do something for me?". Was there a doubt? "of course".. ... "Will you get me yellow roses to take - and in unison we said.... "they're your favorite". :) Be ready at 6:30 and I'll have them with me. "Mom, they won't let me go". "Randy Lee - be ready at 6:30 and I'll have the roses. I love you kid ... I'm so sorry". He just nodded.
Taking him there that night was a fight but one I wasn't giving in on for a few reasons. I knew Randy Lee needed to see to understand - for it to be real. I won't go into the details but I knew the circumstances were ones he needed to see the consequence of. Walking in ... to the casket ... Mark in his normal attire and ballhat on his head. He looked like he was sleeping. Randy stood there for a few minutes and I could see the message was there. He put the roses on the back of the lid and walked away. I wasn't expecting what Mark's dad did but I was thankful. He called Randy Lee outside right before we were leaving. He told him "You know kid, your mom saved your life." Then he handed Randy Lee Mark's leather jacket. He was never without that thing --- i don't think Randy Lee cared who saw him crying at that point as he hugged Mark's dad.
It was 2 wks later that Randy Lee was transferred to a program about an hour from our home for what would be a 90 day transition back to our home. Those words that Mark's dad said to him that night hit home. Something clicked in Randy Lee. He told me "I want to graduate with my class, but I blew off all my work". (I worked for the BOE). I told him to get cracking and I would do what I could. He managed to do his entire senior year from Jan 2 to Apr 18 and with a great GPA. He walked with his class, got his dipolma and was clean and sober. I was so very proud. I can't tell you what that moment felt like. I remember one of the first nights Randy Lee was home, walking into his bedroom to check on him and seeing him there on the bed asleep .... wearing Mark's jacket. It's an image I've never forgotten.
My reason for the story is that it will be 12 years of Mark's death in just over a week. For the past week I can't get the urge -- the need -- the thought that I need to take him yellow roses. I believe in signs and I know Randy Lee has often sent me ones when I need them most. I'm not sure of this other than to maybe let me know he and Mark are in heaven safe and sound. I'm sure they're as happy as can be. I will take Mark yellow roses, visit his grave and leave them with a note "from your angel brother". I'm too logical to accept that's all this is -- for me, I know I'll understand why he wants me to do this now eventually but I know I will do this for my son.
What a more magnificant place to celebrate the birth of Christ than in heaven as angels? Mark & Randy Lee are there together ... while I know they have tons of family there I smile knowing they are there together. If it had to happen - at least I know Randy Lee was welcomed there with loving arms and friendship.
Replies
Loving care to you this day and in the ones ahead as you remember...
This is a tough path that we each walk yet knowing that we are not doing it alone gives me the hope that I need to keep going.
May more yellow roses and signs be yours and may today unfold as gently as possible.
Loving care and warm healing (((hugs)))
XO Joanie
Sometimes a mom has to do what a mom has to do. I respect that quality of mothering! I was often very unpopular to my sons at times. I told them if they got arrested, they would run into trouble with the law and there would be nothing I could do about it.
Taking the yellow roses to the grave is so loving. I hope that you feel the love of these two boys as you do this.
Leda