Song sung blue ...

One of those song titles that I find a different meaning. I feel like it's the description of my life. I had a tough 2018. Changes at work, more responsibility, feeling overwhelmed, feeling defeated, broken. Feeling I have zero contro of my life.  Working a 13 hour day doing mental health and addictions then come to the house and I'm still doing it. I can't call this home because it's never really been. I feel sad all the time. March 16 was 16 years my Randy Lee physically left this life. I miss that kid more than I ever thought possible. My heart aches for him. I know everyone who is on this path can understand that. I last here starting at his photo before I fall asleep. Then those 20 seconds when I wake up when I have remembered all of it yet but then, it always returns. A marriage on paper is sufficatsuf me. There needs to be a line, a clear line that I will never forgive him. Asking me to means he doesn't have a clue of what I am. One person and only one person would I ever allow to break my heart and still love without an ounce of worry. Randy Lee. I didn't always like what he did but I know it was the addiction and not my not my boy. I hate addiction, drugs, it kills people who don't even touch it. Last fall we lost a girl on my team at work to a hidden addiction. Mind you, we work with people with addictions. She had it from everyone. She overdosed and died leaving 5 kids without their mom. I was able at her for a bit because I make it known you can call me anytime. I'm here to help, to pull you up. She never called. Addiction sucks!! I feel so trapped, so boxed in. My anxiety is full blown tonight and I'm rambling. I just find getting the words out helps me. I miss my son ... I miss having a loving relationship ... I miss truth ... I miss me.