Something's gotta change

It's been a while since I've journaled.  Partly because I HATE THE NEW WEB DESIGN.

I've been thinking about suicide a lot lately.  I have the pills to do it.  I know it would kill my brother, but he'd get over it.  Victor would be upset for a while but he'd get over it too.  I would hate to leave my kitties.  I've tried every antidepressant (almost) and nothing has ever even taken the edge off my depression.  My pdoc suggested shock therapy but I just don't want to go there.

I have come to the point where I have to admit my relationship with my ex (Victor) is probably not the best for me.  He's my only friend but he is such a selfish person.  I know I got involved with him because I have "daddy" issues (he's 17 years older than me) and he is sooo much like my dad in many ways. (FYI, my dad raised me from age 11) Victor is a taker.  It's all about him.  If we plan fun things to do it's me that has to come up with the ideas and do all the work.  And the fun things have to be what he likes, not what I like.  When we go out to eat he's constantly staring at his phone like a teenager or looking beyond me at the nearest tv.  He doesn't remember things I tell him that are important to me.  If I'm talking on the phone with him and he gets a call waiting he interrupts my call to take the other call, but when I call him while he's in a call he doesn't do the same.  He's quick to anger.  Last week I had to have an EGD and colonoscopy and he just wanted to drop me off at the hospital then pick me up when it was over.  My family asked that he stay during the procedure so SOMEONE would be there since they are all out of town.  He was pissy the whole time.  Afterwards we went to eat.  I had horrible gas from the procedure and sinus drainage from the oxygen they had up my nose during the procedure and made the comment at the restaurant that I was afraid to sneeze cuz I might fart.  He yelled "Why don't you just shout it so everybody can hear you!" It almost made me cry.  He instantly said "sorry, I'm just in a bad mood" but it didn't matter cuz the damage was done.  I have done so much for him.  I can't count the times I have sat with him at the hospital with him having kidney stones and surgery.  He's never done that for me.  In 2004 I was throwing up blood with stomach ulcers and he just dropped me off at the emergency room and then went on in to work.  And then he completely handled my bipolar episodes horribly - calling the cops and changing the locks on the door - I had nowhere to go.  Moving my belongings on the front porch but keeping the stuff he wanted. Granted that's history, but the wounds are still there.

Why do I continue with him.  Is it just the familiarity?  I have nobody else.  My family lives out of town.

I love my brother dearly but he doesn't really know me.  I don't think he ever did.  He's embarrassed that I have bipolar.  There was always a bit of tension because dad loved me more than him and mom loved him more than me.  Now that both parents have died I think some of that tension is gone.