Someone is crying
In todays meditation I thought of belle, digital belle, and hollier than thou belle (5th - 6th grade) - the three of them were closer than usual, even though belle stays hiden in the snail. I thought of explaining to a close relative, what it is that i'm going thru. It's so hard to explain to those not going thru this what it's like. I would say that I have a repressed memory. Just because it's repressed it doesn't mean I don't feel sad/guilty and afraid because of the memory at all times. There are times when one of those negative feelings will completely take over for awhile, and not at all be tied to any specific cognitive experience (so you have to make shit up because that's what your brain does). Then, the negative feeling goes back down to a reasonable level. The bridge between cognitive thoughts and memory feelings is largely blocked. it seems like a fundamental flaw but It's actually a very normal brain reaction to trauma - do you understand? do you even believe me? When I thought of this - what Belle has to do to stay safe - I cry - but it doesn't entirely feel as though I'm crying! And it's a deep hard cry - I believe it is belle that is crying. I'm glad she is able to grieve. has this happened to anyone?
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You have described this in an interesting and helpful way. Of course - the feeling is there, the mind supplies the justification, or bends the circumstances to justify it.
You feel that it is not you who is crying, it is Belle, but you are crying with compassion as well as mourning. So I sense that it is Belle but it is also you who are crying, but there may be some barrier between the feeling and your ability to embrace it? Like the wall you constructed in order to be able to go on and live as a less-wounded person is still in tact to protect your sense of self or ability to function?
I haven't had exactly this feeling, but early in the week when I felt a lot of fear it was similar in that I felt the physical manifestation of my fear but I didn't feel that I was practically afraid. That separation between the feeling and myself has been slipping a bit but it might be similar to what you describe.
I'm glad she is able to grieve and release that sorrow. I'm glad you've gone back for her. (((hugs)))
I know exactly what you mean. When I cried with my girls I felt the duality of it, some from her and some from me. It was when a memory was shared that feelings connected to it were felt and released by me. It was then that I meged fully with my inner child and was living the memory with her. When that connection is made it is very difficult but that is when your healing is propelled forward at lightening speed.
I think you are doing so great with your girls. You are mothering them and giving them a safe place to share. Your meditations are amazing and I love reading about them.
As for people understanding, I agree it likely will not happen. There is no way to feel these feelings and have that level of empathy unless you have survived it yourself. Thank God we all have each other here on DS.
Sending love and hugs to you and your girls.
Thank you DW and LE for your kind words :)