Somebody please help!!
I started reading 'Why does he do that?' by Lundy Bancroft when it arrived today and on page 29 it says "Track down his ex partner and talk with her as soon as possible". My bf is American and I am in the UK, he has been here since Aug 2009 and we met in Jan 2010. I only know about his history what he told me and he says that his ex was extremely jealous and nasty, burt all his possessions twice after they separated and his stuff was in storage; that she went there and burnt his things. And that she had crappy, small jobs when they were together and got fired 8x / year and she tried to get into the wine business but they lived in a military town and nobody was interested in fine wines. When he got posted to Iraq she went to live to another part of the country and when he came back, she didn't want to move back with him. Yadayadayada.
So I Googled her and did a bit of research. This lady is a bigger version of me; same dark long hair, same blue eyes, tall, just big and muscly, about a UK size 14 (US size 10) and me a UK size 8 (US size 4). And guess what. She is the Assistant Food and Beverage Director in a massive holiday and golf complex! He said she was a chef but I doubt she would have been able to get to this level just in 3 years (they officially divorced in Feb 2008, and he said she was trying to set up her own wine business).
Also, I found that she indeed had a wine business (not sure if she is still doing this??) and her business name is ***siren. Siren = Mermaid. My bf is a bit obsessed by mermaids and has a large mermaid tattoo. I am thinking maybe he used to call her 'Siren or mermaid' and the tattoo on him looks a bit like her; although he says he got the tattoo after a drawing he bought in Hawaii in 2006 (where he went on hols with an ex gf, he still has this drawing...)
She looks really confident on the pics and she doesn't look anything like how my bf painted her (as far as inner qualities are concerned. Externally she looks like he said). OK, a lot can happen in 3 years and they have been separated for over 5 years, but I feel weird about the whole thing, that she is actually obviously a very successful woman, and nothing like my bf described...
Is he lying to me?? If he is, what else is he lying about?? I'm really stressed out and anxious and feel like I'm a substitute for his ex wife and I just wanna run!!!
I feel so bad and upset.
So I Googled her and did a bit of research. This lady is a bigger version of me; same dark long hair, same blue eyes, tall, just big and muscly, about a UK size 14 (US size 10) and me a UK size 8 (US size 4). And guess what. She is the Assistant Food and Beverage Director in a massive holiday and golf complex! He said she was a chef but I doubt she would have been able to get to this level just in 3 years (they officially divorced in Feb 2008, and he said she was trying to set up her own wine business).
Also, I found that she indeed had a wine business (not sure if she is still doing this??) and her business name is ***siren. Siren = Mermaid. My bf is a bit obsessed by mermaids and has a large mermaid tattoo. I am thinking maybe he used to call her 'Siren or mermaid' and the tattoo on him looks a bit like her; although he says he got the tattoo after a drawing he bought in Hawaii in 2006 (where he went on hols with an ex gf, he still has this drawing...)
She looks really confident on the pics and she doesn't look anything like how my bf painted her (as far as inner qualities are concerned. Externally she looks like he said). OK, a lot can happen in 3 years and they have been separated for over 5 years, but I feel weird about the whole thing, that she is actually obviously a very successful woman, and nothing like my bf described...
Is he lying to me?? If he is, what else is he lying about?? I'm really stressed out and anxious and feel like I'm a substitute for his ex wife and I just wanna run!!!
I feel so bad and upset.
Replies
Wow, that is a lot of info you have uncovered. That is good, knowledge is power. Deep breaths, this is a lot to take in hun. Just give yourself some time to digest this.
So from what I am understanding here, he said her wine business failed and you discovered that it is very successful? He described her as crazy and she seems confident and mature. And she looks a lot like you. Hm.
As you pointed out, a lot can happen in 3 years. Its unlikely, but possible she could have ascended to that position in just 3 years. She seems confident and mature in the photo, but remember, you can\'t judge her by looks (Karla Homolka looks like Barbie). And if she looks like you I don\'t think its a big deal, because looks really don\'t matter, maybe he has a type and likes long dark hair, blue eyes etc. Love is about who we are inside.
The best thing would be to contact her and figure out how successful she was at the time of the breakup of their relationship. If she\'s been doing great for over 10 years then you know something is up with your bf\'s story. I think that\'s why the author says to contact them because you really can\'t know the truth without actually asking them. Contacting her is a risk though because you are going behind his back. I don\'t know him. Do you think he would become violent if he found out you did that? Your safety is number ONE. DON\'T do it if you have even an *inkling* that he may become violent or hurt you. Again, I don\'t know him so you know whats best in your situation.
The plus is if you do contact her and she resolves your doubts, then your relationship with your boyfriend will probably improve.
I know this is a lot of info but knowledge is power. This can only benefit you in the long run. Stay strong, be kind to yourself because it seems you are rightfully very concerned that this may mean he was lying. Remember, you don\'t know for sure yet, just stay calm and grounded. Talk to your counsellor/coach about this. Reach out in any way you can. There may be a crisis line in your area, which handles calls from people in distress. There are many resources, just keep reaching out right now. If this info is too much to handle, WALK AWAY from the book, put it down, for a week or 2. Don\'t overwhelm yourself.
Please take care and I\'m sending you my best wishes. *HUGS*
I personally would not contact her right now while you are still trying to figure all of this out. I think you can figure out what is going on w/o her input. Later you can always try to contact her if needed.
Remember that you have no idea how she will react to the contact. She may contact him and say: Your new whore is stalking me. Call her off.
I am curious why the author would recommend this but possibly he was not anticpating that you are currently living with the person or how the ex will react.
Really what went on between them is not as important as how he is treating you and if he has any ability to change at all.
I see your point Susy; he says to try to contact her and try to find out if she had the same experience, to see his pattern and to recognise that he wasn\'t just doing it to me but has a history of abusing his partners. He says to do it while in the relationship. I doubt she\'d have any strong feelings towards me; they were divorced and she already re-married when I met him. But yes, I know nothing about her apart from the nasty \'facts\' my bf told me about her. But if my bf found out that I contacted her, he\'d go berserk. I\'m scared enough as it is.
I feel so sad and drained, and I wish I never had to see him again. Dreading next Wed when he comes back! How can I pretend that everything is ok? If I don\'t, he will make my life hell!
I called all my friends today but only managed to speak with 1. She was very supportive but I know my bff thinks I\'m crazy; she says we\'re just not compatible. That hurts!
Just hurting so much and finding it hard to do anything.