Some days the pain is so bad...sometimes it feels like he's dead..
Last night I had a full blown break down.. I was bawling my eyes out, i couldn't breathe, my heart ached, and I wanted to die. I completely lost it...because I lost the man I love. Some days it's so hard to believe that we're not together...it's so hard to believe that we broke up and it hurts so bad having lost him, that quite honestly, in my heart it feels like he died.. and that is an excruciatingly painful feeling. To feel as if the love of your life, the person you were going to marry is dead....He's not, but that's what it feels like some days.. some days the pain is so intense, and so severe that if feels as if he's really gone.. and then i see him, and my stomach flips and i fight crying because he's there...he's right there and i can smell him, and i can touch him...but he's not mine anymore... We've talked.. we've talked about wanting to go back in time and stop everything from happening, we've talked about wanting to fix everything and get back together.. and I do, more than anything I want to fix us. I want to be able to say I am going to be Mrs. Veronica West, with a smile on my face, and pride in my voice.. I want to be able to laugh at the fact that my name sounds like the super-villain and im marrying my super hero Adam West, batman.. I want to be able to say that I am marrying the greatest man I know.. the man that has helped me through so much... When we first got together, he could barely touch me without me freaking out....I couldn't do anything sexual with him because i would have flashbacks and I would panic and get anxiety.. He worked so slowly with me to build trust, and to build a relationship with me so i felt safe when i was with him. We worked at it so slowly, he began to be able to tell when i was having a flashback, and he knew exactly what to do.. He could read me better than i could read myself.. to him i was an open book.. I miss having my person. He was my person. I went to him about everything, he was there for me when i was having flashbacks about being sexually assaulted, he was there for me when i had nightmares and woke up panicking...even when i woke up beating the crap out of him...he was there for me through it all, he helped me calm down and reassured me everything was okay and helped me breathe.. he's been my rock. He was there for me when my mom had a heart attack and had to have open heart surgery in which they found out it was her third heart attack.. he was there for me when her health was depleting so severely i was sure she was going to be dead within a few months.. He was there for me when I had to deal with the fact that I wasn't going to graduate on time because i got so sick and missed so much school...he was there through all the mental break downs, through the alcoholism, through the family issues, and health problems... he's helped me through every traumatic event in my life... I will marry him one day... I know i will.. He is the man i love, and without him my life feels incomplete.