So tired of myself-anxiety-extra dose
Friday started out really nice...I was in such a good mood...I should know better..It's always followed by the crash. I kind of started to feel it about the time I left work...planned on ignoring it...those little bits of nausea..that..someone just walked over your grave chill..(isn't that what we used to say when we were kids??,,someone just walked over my grave?) Of course as is becoming the norm...she showed up about two. He wanted me to look at his friends computer. I hate working on this person's stuff...he does the weirdest crap and I always feel really stupid when I cannot figure it out. There is not very good light in that room and about a half inch of play in the cables..which go behind a huge entertainment center that I cannot even budge...being a girl really sucks sometimes lol. So I finally called the guy back and he says he wants me to come over in an hour and then take us to dinner.
I think I have written about them before. They are both very nice people...he is a vendor of my boyfriends..that is how they met. His wife is a very sweet woman. She is also very ill....uses a walker or a wheelchair. She has had a horrible hip replacement...is now on full dialysis...and now also has some form of bone cancer. She is home alone most of the time and so when she gets company she wants to talk about all the graphic details of her many medical conditions. This is probably my number one anxiety trigger...that I will end up sick and not dead and cannot care for myself...so I have a really hard time being around her. Then I feel even worse because she is the sweetest person and has no idea what it does to me. So I go and work on his computer...after a couple of hours...with him hovering over my shoulder asking questions ..and her occasionally coming in to ask if he's messed it up beyond repair, they say I should give up because they want all of us to go to dinner. He thinks he is paying me for my time...like this is a reward. They don't get me at all. the thought of going to this small crowded place where the two men will be drinking does not sound like a good time to me at all.
I am already sick to my stomach and beating the crap out of myself that I have been there for so long and cannot figure out what he did...I feel pressured for time since they want to go out and it is not in line AT ALL with what I had pictured in my head for Friday night. My boyfriend is actually going out of his way to be really sweet and to his credit only had two beers out at dinner. At first I think this is going to be ok...
Of course let's not forget that sometimes eating anything at all can start my anxiety....so it starts with that slight discomfort...then we finally leave and say good night outside...it's getting pretty cold and I cannot stop the shivering. We get home and it seems like it will get better for a while as I warm up...still I do not feel whole...I do not even know how to describe it.
I have read this in other texts about anxiety/panic attacks though...it's like this twilight zone feeling...you know you are not right but cannot put your finger on exactly what it is. Short term memory is gone..and he often gets mad that I ask him to repeat things he just said. He keeps on asking if I am ok...I try to say that I am but I think it is wishful thinking.
Finally, he says again what is wrong...and I say it's nothing...it's just ME being ME..I don't know why I can't just tell him I'm trying to avoid an anxiety attack. He gets mad and says..well maybe you should get on the computer...those people seem to make you smile all the time. I tell him that is NOT fair and go back into the other room. After a few minutes he comes out to watch tv...I go over and hug him and find myself apologizing to him...for what I have no idea but I am in trouble again. He says...I know I said it out of spite but it is true.
...and it is true. I was talking with a new friend I just met online. It's no one that is close to me..it's not like i'm meeting anyone in person...but I was talking with this person and having fun. Does that make me a bad person? I tell myself it is not..after all...we are just talking like two people...there is not flirting going on. Does that make it ok? Can men and women just be friends? and HELLO...it's ME...it's not like this person is gonna fall in love with the anxietyfreak online. I was having a similar discussion though with another DS friend yesterday. They were asking if you can fall in love with someone online. I said I am not sure I really believe in love...I think it's a chemical response that when it wears off..well if there's not a great friendship there then when it wears off you are screwed. As far as the online thing goes...I think it is really easy online to project your own thoughts and feelings on to someone else. They may be doing the same thing on their end but is it true? I have no idea. Then again, that may be just as true of face to face relationships...which I did not get to say yesterday.
People ask me how I ended up with my boyfriend...what things we had in common...as time goes by I wonder if we ever had anything in common...he always made it seem like he really liked being around the horses..would help me move hay or whatever needed doing. Now that he has me here and I have no horse anymore..and we cannot afford horse property in California....he seems to have no interest at all...and I do not think he realizes what impact that has on me.
My counselor has said often that she thinks being away from the horses is a huge mistake...that they are so much a part of who I am that it is slowly killing me. I say people adjust...and even riding gives me anxiety sometimes now. I am not as young as I used to be and the falls I have taken in my life I think I have just been extremely lucky. I do recognize that a part of this may be from not having a bond with a horse I know...riding someone else's horses that do not know you really is never the same. I know this. They will test you..just like kids will do. I never had any fear on Blaze...even when I was falling off I was laughing....and he always looked at me with surprise like what are you doing down there? ...which usually made me laugh more.
He was my best friend for over ten years....I had no fear when we were together. He was such a clown..he always made me laugh...never turn your back with a hose in the water because if he got a hold of it everyone was getting wet. He would steal my ballcap off my head. Wayyy off topic but I miss that laughter.
This new friend I have made makes me laugh out loud... a lot...and yes I'm sure I have a dumb grin on my face when I'm chatting with him. I am just trying to find my way...I am making new friends..trying to get new perspective. I am sorry he does not understand but I have to keep doing anything that seems to help. Some part of me knows this is a really bad sign for our relationship that I would rather be online than doing whatever it is he wanted me to do..for 9 years I have done things his way...and maybe he would be better off without this anxietyfreak anyway.
By this time anyway I am in full blown anxiety and panic...trying not to lose what little dinner I ate. Of course once the chills and nausea begin I go through the mental checklist...have I been near anyone that is sick?, did I wash my hands after touching each person's computer over the last few days, am I careful not to touch things a lot when I'm at school? I don't even try to hold out..I just get up and take an extra buspar. As soon as we stop talking he is snoring in like five minutes...this always makes me wonder if he has had more to drink than I think he has. I've never seen anyone that can fall asleep that way like he does. Now, that he is out though I can deal with just me...I feel so exhausted and it's only just 9pm but I know I need to rest. I go take a really hot shower...my body has no choice but to relax and I can finally UN-clench my jaw. the shivering stops..I put on my warmest pj's and let the dog out one last time..and of course have that last smoke that I know I need to give up.
The dog wakes me at 4am...she does not know what Saturday is LOL. Ok fine, I get up ...let her out and it's not even 5 min I remember last night's anxiety...until I remembered though I did not feel sick so I know for sure that it's only anxiety and not some other issue. Mild waves of it this morning but I could not relax once I was up so here I am writing ..the longest one in a while I think. If this is what I going to be from now on then I am not sure my relationship even matters...except that I am not sure I can take care of myself and the animals. I do not think it's always a good thing....all the things he does to spoil me over the years...it has made me soft and fearful of doing things on my own. What would I do for lunch every day? every day he makes my lunch and my coffee for me while I get ready for work. I start to panic...but then I think...you dumbass...you would just go back to frozen dinners or learn to make something in advance. Ok I am just rambling now. lol.
I think I have written about them before. They are both very nice people...he is a vendor of my boyfriends..that is how they met. His wife is a very sweet woman. She is also very ill....uses a walker or a wheelchair. She has had a horrible hip replacement...is now on full dialysis...and now also has some form of bone cancer. She is home alone most of the time and so when she gets company she wants to talk about all the graphic details of her many medical conditions. This is probably my number one anxiety trigger...that I will end up sick and not dead and cannot care for myself...so I have a really hard time being around her. Then I feel even worse because she is the sweetest person and has no idea what it does to me. So I go and work on his computer...after a couple of hours...with him hovering over my shoulder asking questions ..and her occasionally coming in to ask if he's messed it up beyond repair, they say I should give up because they want all of us to go to dinner. He thinks he is paying me for my time...like this is a reward. They don't get me at all. the thought of going to this small crowded place where the two men will be drinking does not sound like a good time to me at all.
I am already sick to my stomach and beating the crap out of myself that I have been there for so long and cannot figure out what he did...I feel pressured for time since they want to go out and it is not in line AT ALL with what I had pictured in my head for Friday night. My boyfriend is actually going out of his way to be really sweet and to his credit only had two beers out at dinner. At first I think this is going to be ok...
Of course let's not forget that sometimes eating anything at all can start my anxiety....so it starts with that slight discomfort...then we finally leave and say good night outside...it's getting pretty cold and I cannot stop the shivering. We get home and it seems like it will get better for a while as I warm up...still I do not feel whole...I do not even know how to describe it.
I have read this in other texts about anxiety/panic attacks though...it's like this twilight zone feeling...you know you are not right but cannot put your finger on exactly what it is. Short term memory is gone..and he often gets mad that I ask him to repeat things he just said. He keeps on asking if I am ok...I try to say that I am but I think it is wishful thinking.
Finally, he says again what is wrong...and I say it's nothing...it's just ME being ME..I don't know why I can't just tell him I'm trying to avoid an anxiety attack. He gets mad and says..well maybe you should get on the computer...those people seem to make you smile all the time. I tell him that is NOT fair and go back into the other room. After a few minutes he comes out to watch tv...I go over and hug him and find myself apologizing to him...for what I have no idea but I am in trouble again. He says...I know I said it out of spite but it is true.
...and it is true. I was talking with a new friend I just met online. It's no one that is close to me..it's not like i'm meeting anyone in person...but I was talking with this person and having fun. Does that make me a bad person? I tell myself it is not..after all...we are just talking like two people...there is not flirting going on. Does that make it ok? Can men and women just be friends? and HELLO...it's ME...it's not like this person is gonna fall in love with the anxietyfreak online. I was having a similar discussion though with another DS friend yesterday. They were asking if you can fall in love with someone online. I said I am not sure I really believe in love...I think it's a chemical response that when it wears off..well if there's not a great friendship there then when it wears off you are screwed. As far as the online thing goes...I think it is really easy online to project your own thoughts and feelings on to someone else. They may be doing the same thing on their end but is it true? I have no idea. Then again, that may be just as true of face to face relationships...which I did not get to say yesterday.
People ask me how I ended up with my boyfriend...what things we had in common...as time goes by I wonder if we ever had anything in common...he always made it seem like he really liked being around the horses..would help me move hay or whatever needed doing. Now that he has me here and I have no horse anymore..and we cannot afford horse property in California....he seems to have no interest at all...and I do not think he realizes what impact that has on me.
My counselor has said often that she thinks being away from the horses is a huge mistake...that they are so much a part of who I am that it is slowly killing me. I say people adjust...and even riding gives me anxiety sometimes now. I am not as young as I used to be and the falls I have taken in my life I think I have just been extremely lucky. I do recognize that a part of this may be from not having a bond with a horse I know...riding someone else's horses that do not know you really is never the same. I know this. They will test you..just like kids will do. I never had any fear on Blaze...even when I was falling off I was laughing....and he always looked at me with surprise like what are you doing down there? ...which usually made me laugh more.
He was my best friend for over ten years....I had no fear when we were together. He was such a clown..he always made me laugh...never turn your back with a hose in the water because if he got a hold of it everyone was getting wet. He would steal my ballcap off my head. Wayyy off topic but I miss that laughter.
This new friend I have made makes me laugh out loud... a lot...and yes I'm sure I have a dumb grin on my face when I'm chatting with him. I am just trying to find my way...I am making new friends..trying to get new perspective. I am sorry he does not understand but I have to keep doing anything that seems to help. Some part of me knows this is a really bad sign for our relationship that I would rather be online than doing whatever it is he wanted me to do..for 9 years I have done things his way...and maybe he would be better off without this anxietyfreak anyway.
By this time anyway I am in full blown anxiety and panic...trying not to lose what little dinner I ate. Of course once the chills and nausea begin I go through the mental checklist...have I been near anyone that is sick?, did I wash my hands after touching each person's computer over the last few days, am I careful not to touch things a lot when I'm at school? I don't even try to hold out..I just get up and take an extra buspar. As soon as we stop talking he is snoring in like five minutes...this always makes me wonder if he has had more to drink than I think he has. I've never seen anyone that can fall asleep that way like he does. Now, that he is out though I can deal with just me...I feel so exhausted and it's only just 9pm but I know I need to rest. I go take a really hot shower...my body has no choice but to relax and I can finally UN-clench my jaw. the shivering stops..I put on my warmest pj's and let the dog out one last time..and of course have that last smoke that I know I need to give up.
The dog wakes me at 4am...she does not know what Saturday is LOL. Ok fine, I get up ...let her out and it's not even 5 min I remember last night's anxiety...until I remembered though I did not feel sick so I know for sure that it's only anxiety and not some other issue. Mild waves of it this morning but I could not relax once I was up so here I am writing ..the longest one in a while I think. If this is what I going to be from now on then I am not sure my relationship even matters...except that I am not sure I can take care of myself and the animals. I do not think it's always a good thing....all the things he does to spoil me over the years...it has made me soft and fearful of doing things on my own. What would I do for lunch every day? every day he makes my lunch and my coffee for me while I get ready for work. I start to panic...but then I think...you dumbass...you would just go back to frozen dinners or learn to make something in advance. Ok I am just rambling now. lol.
Replies
Dear Freaky one,
It is when your mind is not occupied elsewhere, ie. chatting with others, that the anxiety strikes. I think you will find that being around animals, especailly horses, quiets the anxiety. Horses and dogs are both used as therapy animals you know. It is only when you are focused inwardly that you are prone to anxiety attacks.
I doubt that anyone that has not personally experienced a full blown anxiety attack could begin to undertand jut how disturbing they are. Eric
yes, just ask Remi...there is nothing like an upside down Belgian in your face at 4am to make you smile :)