So stressed out
Just been trying to keep out of his way. After we 'broke up' on Friday, yesterday he was lovely and on his best behaviour, saying stuff like 'no decisions are final yet' and that he loves me and we should take it one day at the time. He is totally messing with my head, he is up and down, no consistency or stability. He has been totally nasty today, playing mind games and pushing my buttons just to get a reaction. Yesterday he is going on about how it's not over yet, today he says we are through, and I don't know what I did wrong. I just asked him if he really put lemon on the salmon, and he blew up at me. I can hear him moving around upstairs probably setting up the spare room for himself, even though he was telling me yesterday how he wants to sleep in the same bed as me, and I said OK last night. He just does all these things to take a jab at me and hurt me, and it hurts me so much, and I resent him for f*cking with my head!
I need to decide that this IS really over and regardless of what he says when he is in a good mood again, I need to just focus on the fact that this IS over! I changed my relationship status on FB on Friday eve, after he was so nasty and he said he was through with me and I said ok, we are over. He didn't say anything about FB yet and I'm dreading it!! He was saying yesterday that 'nothing is final yet' and he hasn't said anything to anyone. Not that he has anyone to talk to. He is a total loner with 2 friends in the US, but he barely keeps in touch, and his family; they speak 1x / month about general stuff, nothing like me and my family, we speak several times / week and they know all about his abusive behaviour, whereas he makes his family believe that all is going great, and once when I said to him that I'll tell his parents what he is really like, he threatened me. He doesn't accept that he abuses me and keeps saying that if he is an abuser and so horrible, why am I still with him. I guess not for long now. 10-12 weeks and I'm gone for good!
Sometimes he accepts that he is abusive, other times he gets defensive and nasty about it, and then it escalates, like today. I am angry and resentful towards him; I know it was my choice to be patient with him and help him, but he threw all my kindness back into my face. And spat on me.
I suppose I'm angry with myself too; I looked at old emails and last year around this time (less, than 3 months into the relationship) we were already having problems. Yet I still let him convince me that all will be ok and moved in with him. It's been up and down every few days eversince. He is very convincing when he is nice and loving; he appears so sane and stable, but it never lasted longer, than 10 days, and that was only once. There were 2x 5-6 day good spells, and a lot of 2-3 day ones, but no constant stability. He just seems very up and down and emotionally unstable. Black and White, hot and ice cold, lovely and unbearable. No middle ground, and he takes all his frustration, anger, hurt, and problems out on me. I just can't take it anymore.
10-12 weeks until I can move out is a fairly long time and I'm worried because it seems that things are just getting worse now that he feels and knows he's gonna lose me and that he doesn't have that much control over me, he is just being more horrible to get a reaction out of me. I just can't take it!
I need to decide that this IS really over and regardless of what he says when he is in a good mood again, I need to just focus on the fact that this IS over! I changed my relationship status on FB on Friday eve, after he was so nasty and he said he was through with me and I said ok, we are over. He didn't say anything about FB yet and I'm dreading it!! He was saying yesterday that 'nothing is final yet' and he hasn't said anything to anyone. Not that he has anyone to talk to. He is a total loner with 2 friends in the US, but he barely keeps in touch, and his family; they speak 1x / month about general stuff, nothing like me and my family, we speak several times / week and they know all about his abusive behaviour, whereas he makes his family believe that all is going great, and once when I said to him that I'll tell his parents what he is really like, he threatened me. He doesn't accept that he abuses me and keeps saying that if he is an abuser and so horrible, why am I still with him. I guess not for long now. 10-12 weeks and I'm gone for good!
Sometimes he accepts that he is abusive, other times he gets defensive and nasty about it, and then it escalates, like today. I am angry and resentful towards him; I know it was my choice to be patient with him and help him, but he threw all my kindness back into my face. And spat on me.
I suppose I'm angry with myself too; I looked at old emails and last year around this time (less, than 3 months into the relationship) we were already having problems. Yet I still let him convince me that all will be ok and moved in with him. It's been up and down every few days eversince. He is very convincing when he is nice and loving; he appears so sane and stable, but it never lasted longer, than 10 days, and that was only once. There were 2x 5-6 day good spells, and a lot of 2-3 day ones, but no constant stability. He just seems very up and down and emotionally unstable. Black and White, hot and ice cold, lovely and unbearable. No middle ground, and he takes all his frustration, anger, hurt, and problems out on me. I just can't take it anymore.
10-12 weeks until I can move out is a fairly long time and I'm worried because it seems that things are just getting worse now that he feels and knows he's gonna lose me and that he doesn't have that much control over me, he is just being more horrible to get a reaction out of me. I just can't take it!
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