So messed up....

I don't know what's wrong with me.... That's sort of a lie, I know I have bipolar disorder, but still.... Thursday I'm depressed, Friday (early afternoon) I'm excessively manic - while trying to work (cleaning), Friday evening I'm more leveled out, Friday night I'm hypersexual and wanting to have sex with anyone and everyone (not like me at all) late Friday night I'm bawling my eyes out and writing this.... I don't get it it... I guess the high stress levels I've had recently are starting to seriously effect my bipolar disorder elevating it from hardly noticeable to extremely noticeable... Earlier I compared my mania to what I've heard feels like a cocaine high - never done it and never will but from what I've been told of the experience that's pretty much how I felt for hours... Bouncing and just fucked right up! Now I'm crying and I want sex and I'm just..fucked. Recently I've found I don't want sex with people who are emotionally attached to me...as soon as someone wants to be with me I just lose interest.. I think it's a coping mechanism from the rape still.. I'm not ready to be with anyone, yet my bipolar disorder makes me hypersexual.... So fucked. Fuck. Good thing I don't drink!!,