So Lonely That It Hurts...

Today, I took my son to the park.  We live in a nice neighborhood.  The park is small and clean.  Great place to take the kids.  But I don't think I'll ever take my son to the park on a holiday.
See, there's a house right by the park.  And at that house, they were having a BBQ to celebrate Memorial Day.  Smelling the grilled food, and hearing them talk and laugh made me feel so lonely sitting on that bench as I watched my son play.  It actually hurt my heart.  
I haven't felt so empty inside in such a while.  But I didn't cry.  Tears are a waste at this point...what good would crying do me?  I always want to say that I don't have a family, but I know I have my son and fiance.  I feel bad even thinking it.  Shouldn't they be enough to fill the void?  
But I've always felt lonely.  I guess it's something I have to live with...this constant pain in my heart and this lump in my throat.  That's why I welcome Death.  If life is something that is so lonely and painful, then why live??  What exactly am I living for?
The truth is I won't end my life because I'm too afraid of feeling lonely for the rest of eternity...I'm afraid to die.