so i have to say....

so last night i pushed myself out of my comfort zone.  i went sober on a tinder date.  i've only meet up with boys i've met on tinder a handful of times, and each time i drank to varying degrees, but mostly i was wasted.  yesterday i met up with this guy and BOY was it a revelation.  i almost canceled on him, but something in me knew i needed to challenge myself by socializing like this.  i didn't want to have sex.  when i am sober i rarely feel horny.  and i'm trying to evolve.  although in my last journal i talked about how i need to be in love to have sex, i'm really trying to be open minded about the paradigms glued in my brain....about finding "the one" and all of that.  i've basically discarded that notion about finding a soulmate, although i'd be lying if i said the idea still doesn't hold some appeal and some sacred shred of me really wants it to be a true theory.......but all in all it doesn't seem sustainable and it seems to breed very toxic feelings of jealousy and inadequacy and supicioun and all that shit.  so i'm open.  all i had been kinda thinking was like---wow, wouldn't it be cool if i met someone who doesn't look at porn? or at least, not as a constant habit?

well last night this guy fucking BLEW MY MIND.  and he's sober, not becuase he's an alcoholic just becuase it doesn't interest him and he has a higher perspective and healthiness and wisdom.  i'm not goign to flesh out our whole meeting but it was fucking amazing......he was just so laid back and zen yet alpha.  *and* he talked about this movement called "nofap" which is about guys not watching porn.  he hasn't watched porn in 50 days and doesn't want to anymore.  we talked a lot about my issues, my alcoholism, our takes on sex and pornography while walking around town.  he was just soooo................AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH my MIND IS BLOWN.  i feel so jubliant.  it's such an inspiration.  sheesh.  he's tall and sexy adn we ended up fooling around and it felt great.  isn't that funny?  his realness was so freakin refreshing.

and sure enough guess who texted me last night??  the muay thai fighter who i was obsessing about.  i knew that the second i diverted my energy elsewhere he would respond.  i don't want to be hung up on anyone anymore, i just want to reach my fullest potential and appreciate those that are striving after theirs as well.

so today i skyped my mom and just cleaned up the house and sheesh now it's almost noon.  i teach from 3 to 4.  i have more to say but i want to get my day started, get some sewing done and also i'm going to focus some energies around trying to become a freelance copywriter.  anyway.....so grateful today.