small victories-mild anxiety-no extra dose

I woke with mild anxiety this morning.  It's the first time in a while this has happened.  I immediately took the usual mental inventory...no not sick...so relaxed in a chair with a cup of coffee.  I was able to talk myself down with no extras..It's funny I was just telling someone last night that my anxiety had been much better of late.  Usually the winter and the holidays are one of the worst times for me.  I have not been journaling as much lately..combination of things I guess.  I have been searching for answers through some pretty deep conversations with a friend.  As he puts it..he challenges me but in a good way.  It's true...he asks me the tough questions.  He has become an amazing friend and though I am not a religious person...it's clear someone put him in my path.  I think I am starting to realize that a big part of my struggle is that I love my boyfriend...but I am not sure being together is good for me.  I am working to reconcile this within myself..maybe find the right answers.  I'm tired of being so unhappy all the time.  If not for the great friends and support I have mad here I don't know what I would have done.  Starting to get into this class I am taking and there's a lot of homework so I am glad I only took the one class this semester.  My mom is leaving for AZ this week.  I know I should probably be unhappy that we won't be close to each other but I am just relieved.  I think she will be much happier back in the Tucson sunshine.  Her asthma has been terrible here...reminding her of why she moved to the desert in the first place.  She keeps trying to convince me to go  back with her but it's not the right time for that.
If I am not with my boyfriend then I need to stand on my own.  I need to feel like I can be strong again...take care of myself.  Last night I was up pretty late chatting with my friend..and I think I had too much coffee too late so it was after midnight.  I got up to get some water and woke my boyfriend..who was as usual sleeping on the couch.  He asked if I was alright...I said yes.  The thing is..shortly after that he got up and came back to go to the bathroom...then went right back out into the living room to sleep.  I don't think I want to spend my life with someone who does not want to be near me...no matter how I feel about him...It hurts that he cannot sleep next to me.
He will be out of town on business all week..I am looking forward to seeing how I feel about things while he is gone.