Six Months

I can't help but wonder if I'll ever have a life again.  I don't see one yet.  I can't even picture in my mind what life is possible without Gene.  I don't go anywhere, I don't do anything really except go to work and come home.  I've had invites to visit or go places with friends and I can't seem to get myself out of the house.  I don't know why except that I still have terrible anxiety about breaking down and ruining someone else's good times.  I don't do any of the things I used to before Gene died like my crafts.  Simply put, I don't know who I am without him.  How do I find myself again?  Is there a life out there somewhere for me?  I don't have the answers.  I have to rebuild myself and I don't know what the first step in the process is right now.  I can only relate it to having your house burn down and then having to rebuild it from scratch.  But there's a handbook for that, there is no handbook for rebuilding your life after the loss of your husband.  Right now I live in a rut of going to work, coming home, eating dinner and watching TV until it's time for bed.  I can't go on like this forever, I know that.  I need to find a way out of my grief and into a new life.  It's what Gene would want me to do.  Where do I begin?  Will it just come naturally in small ways?  Or do I have to conciously make the decision to make it happen.  No answers today, only questions.