Six Months
I can't help but wonder if I'll ever have a life again. I don't see one yet. I can't even picture in my mind what life is possible without Gene. I don't go anywhere, I don't do anything really except go to work and come home. I've had invites to visit or go places with friends and I can't seem to get myself out of the house. I don't know why except that I still have terrible anxiety about breaking down and ruining someone else's good times. I don't do any of the things I used to before Gene died like my crafts. Simply put, I don't know who I am without him. How do I find myself again? Is there a life out there somewhere for me? I don't have the answers. I have to rebuild myself and I don't know what the first step in the process is right now. I can only relate it to having your house burn down and then having to rebuild it from scratch. But there's a handbook for that, there is no handbook for rebuilding your life after the loss of your husband. Right now I live in a rut of going to work, coming home, eating dinner and watching TV until it's time for bed. I can't go on like this forever, I know that. I need to find a way out of my grief and into a new life. It's what Gene would want me to do. Where do I begin? Will it just come naturally in small ways? Or do I have to conciously make the decision to make it happen. No answers today, only questions.
Replies
I think writing in your journal is part of the process....so though it may not seem so, I think you are taking steps towards a new life!
Oh honey, you might be feeling like this at the moment but you ARE beginning a new way of living. That is all. You do go out with your friends, You do more than go to work and eat and watch TV. Remember all of the physical work you did just a few weeks ago. Having dinner with your kids?? I promise you, every single person I know says the first year is impossible. I also agree with Carole12 - writing here is wonderful therapy for getting it out of your own head. You are sharing with other people. My mom, for example, she is really worried about Harley (her dog) she was so stressed she ripped my head off and I could tell she wanted to just explode. I ran upstairs just to get away from her because I didn\'t do anything wrong but come home. Then she came outside and just sat. i asked her \"what\" like 3 times. Then she said it \"out loud\" I swear a few moments passed and she changed. Head to mouth (or fingers here) do get it out your own lonely mind. Believe me, I get stuck in my head all of the time. That is when I come here and just type away. I used to be so positive until I lost myself. You remember me - we\'ve known eachother for years now. A lot has happened - a TON has happened. Forever our friendship is here - promise that! Much love my friend - hugs!