Sitting here....

I'm propped on the arm of the love seat in my living room. Thinking... Many thoughts are running through my head. On my moon starting today so that could attribute to some of this wacky energy I am feeling right now. Day 12 today. I want to drink. I've been invited out tonight with the ladies. Dinner and dancing to a band. The venue is a dive but the band is supposed to be good. I feel like if I go, the temptation will be too great. I went 97 days without too much effort and this time around is hard. I just want to numb myself I guess. Not feel, not think. That won't help anything. I spend a lot of time alone in my house. That's not good for me, but I also like it. No I don't because I'm just isolating myself. I'm thinking about trying to get motivated to do the things I want to do today. I've got strands of Xmas lights around me and 2 baskets of clean laundry. I'm thinking about my ex who is such an asshole, thinking about my son who didn't come last night or call. Thinking about my old married life with my kids being contented and certainly more stable emotionally than they are now, our home .... And just everything. When am I gonna feel better. I left him 12/29/13. So yeah the holidays pretty much suck and my kids had a terrible thanksgiving with their dad. It's like war. I get the aftermath of their emotions and trying to help them process and feel better. And then I feel like shit because they are hurting so much and I take the blame. I know it wasn't my fault, but I could've stayed. Ok gonna get up, go get coffee and try to be productive.