Sick of everything - literally and figuratively
I became a math person to impress the dad. I work in a mostly male dominated industry that I hate. Between work, and therapy and the kid - i often feel overwhelmed, like today. If it was up to me I would do something more nutrition/psycology related. i'd write more. . Instead I do technical stuff. I get to work from home on Wednesdays and I have Mondays off and get paid Ok. By all measure - I SHOULD be happy. I should be grateful. I'm not. I keep threatening my husband that I'm going quite my job. I'm just so unhappy with my job. but I make a sizeable contribution to paying bills. Still -we could manage without my job. Today I'm sick - stuffy nose, stuffy head - tired and not feeling good. My job scares me. The people I work with scare me. I keep thinking i'm going to get fired. I wont- i'm meticulous. I don't know what to do. What will happen if I quite? Will I fall into a depression? Even though I hate my job - it forces me to get up , dressed and out of bed. i think maybe i still want a job but one with less responsiblity? I have quite a bit of responsiblity. I know exactly what I want. I want to do it all over again. I want to go back to when the dad left the mom. I want to have the mental acruity and self confidence to pull it together, do well in school, and get into a major I enjoy. I want to meet different people than I did at my old college. I want to form different relationships. I want to be doing well in a job that i enjoy. I want to go back. But I'm 45...soon to be 46 with a 5 year old. Should I quite?
Replies
I'm sorry you feel so bad about your job and your life, Nikkole. Can you explore other kinds of employment? Would you have to go back to school to get qualified for something new, or is it possible you could shift a bit towards something more suitable to you?
I have days like that. Especially if I am not feeling well which I haven't been for a while. I hope you feel better, have a good day at work, the kid comes up out of the blue and hugs you and says I love you and your hubby does something to make you feel special.
If I could do it all over again and had the chance to do it all over again and I could (not feasible and I do not think I could handle it now) I would have trained for something else in my spare time. Something I enjoyed. Can you do that? Maybe take nutrition or psychology base using a go at your own pace online school?
I am caught on what you said "By all measure - I SHOULD be happy. I should be grateful." and I wonder who taught you that success at a job is what makes you happy and successful? For me, it was my mother. Money is the only measure of success. And I couldn't disagree with this statement more. Money is necessary to live in our society, I will admit that. But it is not a measure of success and definitely not a measure of happiness (for proof of that look at he first family. See any happiness there?). Money is just money. For true happiness we must all look into ourselves and find our true calling. Your's is nutrition/psychology and that, IMO, is what you should seek to do with your life. Life is too short to live it for someone else and it sounds like that is what you are doing. You are in that field to please the father....not yourself.
Please look into what it will take for you to do what you love and then sit with your husband and discuss options. You may be pleasantly surprised that he will want you to be happy too. "Happy wife happy life!" It's time to follow your heart because it's time you found true happiness. ((hugs))
I'm 45 as well and facing a career change. I can relate to wishing that I'd had it all together so I could have a career I enjoy instead of trying to impress my father. That realization was painful for me. You might find you need some time to adjust to this realization, too. Take as much time as you possibly can to practice self-care. Nutrition is a great way to do that!
It will be difficult to look for work while you are so stressed out. It seems like you have so much on your plate. Reminding yourself of the good things at work is wise and necessary thing! Mondays off and working from home ARE great perks. I was in that situation (very unhappy in a good job) when a wise woman said to me that I need to see work as a way to support a hobby. I'm still working on that.
I say by all means quite...but not before you have laid out plans to go after what you really want. You have Wednesdays off. Give that day to yourself to research the steps necessary to get you where you want to go.
I think you're too smart to make age an issue. I also think you can do this one step at a time. If it begins to feel overwhelming then make the step that overwhelms you into a smaller step. Just keep going. When you fall, take a breath while you're down and then get back up to continue.
Talk with your husband; ask him to help. Crunch your numbers, find out what it's really going to take to live on a changed income. If your child is old enough to understand include the child, too. This can be cohesive movement as well as a great model for the child...mom is going after what she wants.
Refuse to be the victim.
xx
SuzA
Thanks for your comment DW. I may needs some kind of life, career coach. Not the motivating kind, but the kind that can take your expertise, background and education - and shift it towards something that I would like. Although - I don't know how to get this kind of a career coach. thanks for your kind thoughts Paulinaakk1. Dooo - I think you would be correct except I feel like I have no spare time. I'm either working, with the kid, getting ready for the next day, or doing something that has to do with healing. any other time I'm just too exhausted. I wish I had the bandwidth, but I don't. Also - those online schools can have strange crediting. For psychology, the are not APA (association of psychology) accredited. I've heard bad things about these types of schools. JR - you are right that I need to see the positive side of work. That positive side is money -period. SuzA - I LOVE The enthusiasm. I'm going on a date with my husband on Saturday night so I'll try talking to him about it. I love the idea of showing my kid that mom is going after what she wants -this certainly puts a new spin on things.
LE - You are right that my mother - is all about money. is all about prestige. If I don't have these things than I am an embarrassment to her and the whole family. I'm know as being "smart". I told my therapist that my parents still control me indirectly - this is one of the ways - my job. I don't know how to get over this idea that money is a measure of success. I wear my job title and my salary like armor! I might hate myself and feel super insecure - but check out this great job I have! I don't know how to get secure enough to let the job go. At least not yet. I'm going to talk to my husband on Saturday - see what he says. thanks so much for your thoughts on this.
I have a feeling that you are closer to letting your job go than you think.
I ask you this.... If you had your parents in front of you right now what would you tell them about money being the measure of success? Now go write it down. Write exactly what you would say to them. Yell at them and teach them a lesson on what the true measure of success looks like to you. A job may be part of your success but it will probably be a job that provides you with happiness and a joy that fills you at the soul level. A job that brings joy because you are helping others heal and to help them also feel the wonders of joy. I am sure that as you describe your measure of success money will not be mentioned.
You are already successful because you are choosing to live in love - not because you are earning. That is something your parents, like mine, would never understand. You are already so much smarter than they are because you know love is the answer.
nikkole,
You say you "...don't know how to get over this idea that money is a measure of success." I offer that the way out of this false belief is to know yourself: It's to know what your OWN beliefs about success are--what does success look/feel like to you? It's to realize that the "armor" of your job title and salary keep some part of you hidden. It's to understand that to live out the expectations of anyone else is, in fact, victim thinking. It's to write down that famous saying, "To thy own self be true" and keep that deep wisdom in front of your eyes daily.
All survivors must tend to the deepest wound of all--the wound that creates a false self.
Who are you? What does the self behind the armor want? Call on your courage to answer these questions...remembering always--to thine own self be true.
xx
SuzA
Thank you SuzA. "Who Are You". .. what a great question. I also really loved this quote: "All survivors must tend to the deepest wound of all--the wound that creates a false self. " it's a long road.