sick and rambling
I wish that I could get back to writing in my journal on a regular basis. I am not sure what is holding me back. Today is awful. I have the worst sinus headache and everyone here at work is sick. I don't really think I am getting it but it still triggered me with the headache and I was super snappy with people until I was like...oh duh...high panic level. So fucking stupid...as usual.
the state of the brain is always so fragile. Things were pretty ok this morning and as I drove to work I actually had a few moments of peace and thought..wow, everything feels like it's going to be ok. So rare that my brain is like that. I tried to hold onto it....but it didn't stay long.
Now I feel sick, and short-fused and don't want to talk to anyone. I feel like I am going to cry and think...there's no way anyone else is going to hire me..or if they do I won't make it there long. My boss is always very supportive and just let's my anxiety roll off him...I know this is not how things would roll at most companies.
what changed? nothing really...except maybe my bad thoughts..which didn't seem any worse than other days...so then is it a brain chemistry thing? When the panic subsides all you are left with is the depression. Depression at the knowledge that you never truly have this under control, that you will never be normal.
In the end, I can keep going through the motions but nothing ever really changes. They symptoms today may be more mild than they were 15 years ago...but I still have them. Some times of the year are worse than others..but they are still there.
I always have the negative glass half empty personality...how do you ever change that fundamental core of who you are? I'm not sure that you can. but...if you are fucked either way...you may as well do it somewhere as beautiful as San Diego.
Replies
Hang in there. Depression is a butt kicker at times. I was first diagnosed in 1995. I didn't know what was wrong till my Doctor examined me. Years of stress had taken their toll on me. I was doing pretty good till my son was killed in 2006 then, I relapsed again.
Yep. Good old anxiety and depression...I call them the Asshole Twins :) I've come to associate the Asshole Twins with having any other ailment. I have asthma which is a life time illness and I have to treat every single day for the rest of my life. Same with the Asshole Twins! They are going away so we have to treat them everyday. Good days, bad days. Good hours can turn to bad hours. Just enjoy the good times even if they only last for a few minutes/hours. Remember the bad times will pass so do whatever you can to endure knowing it won't last. And yes, if you have to be fucked up at least the it's in a sunny, warm place :)
what is stopping u from moving to San Diego?...just curious..I wonder sometimes why we have this ability to 'imprison ourselves'...I have a friend that literally moves at the drop of a hat (shes a state attorney) shes sooooo logical and unemotional, Im dumbfounded around her- its like we are both alien to the other- however, my point in bringing her up is- I was telling her how I wanted to move and wah wah wah why I couldn't, and she just says: "why not?' big smile "your not a tree, u don't have roots, u can go anywhere". Like it was that simple, and somehow, for her, it really is- its like picking a restaurant to have dinner. So light and breezy! ... I try the 'why not' attitude on much lighter topics for fun, and actually, maybe that's the best those of us with anxiety/depression can do.. the smaller things..and some times those smaller things can lead us in the right direction. (For example I wasn't going to post this story, I didn't think it would help, but then I thought 'why not?' ...we should do at least 3 'why nots' per day, ...sending love and light your way xoxox
I'm agreeing with cachetteen1 here, and thinking that a change of venue could do your body good. You don't seem to talk about the fulfilling nature of your work, etc. It usually takes a leap of faith to jump out of a rut. Hugs!