Shoulders of steel .....
There are times when I wonder what God expects of me or am I just a bad person? I seem to have to shoulder so much more than some and have felt my breaking point near ... too near many times.
I'll be the first to say I'm not a perfect person, I wasn't the perfect mom and I've made my share of mistakes. I can say I love my son, I always loved my son. Even deep in the addiction while I didn't like the choices he made, I didn't like the addict in him, I always, always loved him. I know I would likely do the same things again - I would push harder, try more but I would have still not accecpted drug use as an okay thing for him. I'd like to say I wouldn't have gotten angry as much but I know that's not true ... seeing him hurt, made me fume. That won't change.
Maybe I'm just having a poor, pity me moment. I found out that someone I trusted, loved and let into my life wasn't honest with me. This person was all about meeting their needs and was not at all who I beleived them to be. I don't normally allow people into my comfort zone like this and I am not only regretting it but feeling a depth of anger I'm not sure I knew I could feel.
I'm trying to focus on the good things - thankful for the good times with those I knew are positive, the memories I'm blessed with and trying to make sense of all of this negative. There are just times when it seems that so many of us shoulder things while others breeze through life without a care. I'm not sure which is the greater burden. Knowing what you're capable of handling or always getting a pass.
I'm going to bed for fear that I don't I will take refuge in a bottle of wine ... and that's just another situation I just don't need. If you're the praying sort ~ I'd appreciate you keeping me in your prayers to find my way through this.
I'll be the first to say I'm not a perfect person, I wasn't the perfect mom and I've made my share of mistakes. I can say I love my son, I always loved my son. Even deep in the addiction while I didn't like the choices he made, I didn't like the addict in him, I always, always loved him. I know I would likely do the same things again - I would push harder, try more but I would have still not accecpted drug use as an okay thing for him. I'd like to say I wouldn't have gotten angry as much but I know that's not true ... seeing him hurt, made me fume. That won't change.
Maybe I'm just having a poor, pity me moment. I found out that someone I trusted, loved and let into my life wasn't honest with me. This person was all about meeting their needs and was not at all who I beleived them to be. I don't normally allow people into my comfort zone like this and I am not only regretting it but feeling a depth of anger I'm not sure I knew I could feel.
I'm trying to focus on the good things - thankful for the good times with those I knew are positive, the memories I'm blessed with and trying to make sense of all of this negative. There are just times when it seems that so many of us shoulder things while others breeze through life without a care. I'm not sure which is the greater burden. Knowing what you're capable of handling or always getting a pass.
I'm going to bed for fear that I don't I will take refuge in a bottle of wine ... and that's just another situation I just don't need. If you're the praying sort ~ I'd appreciate you keeping me in your prayers to find my way through this.
Replies
It\'s hard to let people in,,, but then they are dishonest,,,such a shame....
I was just talking to a friend and saying the same things about some get a pass and float through life and I struggle...oh well,,,, love ya!
Hoping for you a restful night and some peace. We all just want some peace...Take care of yourself.
Nell
I hear you sweet friend. Letting others IN....truly, deeply IN, is hard for me too. I feel deeply for everyone....but not everyone gets \"in\". I\'m sorry you\'ve been betrayed and let down and disappointed and lied to.
I\'ve had my fair share...and then some....of anger and distance with my son due to his drug addiction. Like you, I refused to be an active part of it, and had to love him from a distance for a period of about 2 years. It was hard!!! Would I do it again....most likely. I had to keep what was left of my own sanity....it was self-preservation. Never did I stop loving my son, stop wanting what was best for him....I simply could not be a part of the world of drugs. I made a choice....right or wrong....it was the only choice I felt I could make.
Pity parties aren\'t all bad....so long as we know when to leave the party!
Love and prayers my sweet friend~~Teri
thanks for the comments. Just been a rough week. Work is hectic and since I work in the mental health field .... well let\'s just say some weeks weigh on you more than others.
I\'m not quick to trust .... or let people close. Sad thing is this happened and it will likely just make it more difficult for me to open up to someone again.
As for the pity party -- it was short lived. I am blessed ... and if that means a few extra burdens ... then I shall carry them.