She has the power to make me feel like the top of the world...and then take it all away in a moment.
My ex Jessyka messaged me tonight and asked me if it's weird that my picture is still the background of her phone... I knew it meant something so I went along with it, I still have feelings for her and for her to say that to me meant she does too. We talked about it and she told me she still loves me and has never loved a woman as much as she loves me, and she would still marry me in heartbeat.. I'm crying of course because I've never loved anyone the same way I loved her, I felt happier with her than I ever was with anyone else. I told her I wanted to be another mom to her daughter Evalynne, I told her I always wanted to be her mom and I love them both and she told me I would have made an amazing step mom... We were talking as if nothing ever happened between us... we were talking as if we were on the road to getting back together, down the line....and then she started talking about the guy she's seeing...Joel....and my heart shattered. I already knew about him, but I was trying not to think about him...silently hoping it didn't work out or something... but he's still there, and they live a ferry ride away from me.. the one thing that caused so many problems for us, never seeing one another as we're a ferry ride apart. I was so happy talking to her...talking about us and evalynne, about wanting to get married still, about how happy we were and how in love we still are... She always sends me pictures and videos of her daughter and I'm always so proud of my little munchkin, if anyone is around to see I'll show them my little girl...because in my heart, she's a daughter to me, I love her like one. I want to be her mom...one day... One day I hope I can be. I hope Jessyka and I do get married because I love that woman with all my heart. I always will.
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We keep talking about it and the more we talk the more I miss her and the more I realize I\'ve just been subconsciously denying myself happiness with anyone else because of my feelings for her. I\'ve subconsciously gone for people that would never work in the long run because she\'s the one I see in my future... The only other person who even holds a candle to her, though he doesn\'t at this current moment cause he\'s practically thrown his life away with his current gf is my ex fianc. They are the only 2 people I have ever truly seen a future with... I\'ve dated and fallen in love since them, but nothing like what I had before.. Adam and I were so stable, we had a rhythm, we were in sync and good for one another, we knew what our future held and we were going there together.. Jess and I on the other hand... It was passionate, exciting, the mere thought of her made me smile.. And her daughter... Evalynne.. The sweetest little girl, my little girl... I wanted more than anything to be her step mom, to raise her with Jess, and eventually have another kid... Jess made me feel like I was being true to myself, I felt so alive and free, so me.. When I was with Adam I was in highschool, then graduation and early university... We knew we were going to get married when I sl was done school and his mom and sister were going to go dress shopping with me... I\'ve had two great loves in my life, is it possible to have two soul mates? I don\'t know what the future holds... But I\'m pretty sure it will be with one of them....