Shock
OK. I just don't know what to do with this.
Until yesterday I thought I was 'just' sexually abused when I was 13 years old. And that exN was nasty because it happened once towards the end of our relationship that we started having sex but it really hurt so I told him to stop several times but he just carried on and held onto me. My cries weren't of joy but pain.
After I read some stuff I started to feel uncomfortable and I decided to look up what rape actually is, how it is defined.
It says that both parties need to have mutual consent. I looked up the definition of consent.
What is the definition of consent?
The Act has three important provisions relating to consent. They are:
A statutory definition of consent
The test of reasonable belief in consent
The evidential and conclusive presumptions about consent and the defendant's belief in consent
Section 74 defines consent as "if she agrees by choice, and has the freedom and capacity to make that choice" . In the offences of rape, assault by penetration, sexual assault and causing a person to engage in sexual activity without consent, a person (A) is guilty of an offence if (s)he:
Acts intentionally;
(B) does not consent to the act; and
does not reasonably believe that B consents.
Apparently it is penetration that can be vaginal, anal or oral, and the penetration doesn't have to be done with a p*nis.
According to the above I was raped when I was 13, I was below the age of consent and I was penetrated. And I was raped when I told exN to stop but he held on to me and carried on. The thing is, I blame myself for the latter, because I should have kicked, screamed harder or I don't know what else. But I was just so shocked and I just wanted it to be over.
I know in theory nothing changed as to what happened to me. I knew the one when I was 13 was not my fault and just so wrong. He properly groomed me and he was a very well-known figure in our town, a lawyer and an MP! I was flattered by his attention and my Mum knew something was going on; she called me a whore and was blaming me, I carried that burden until I told a counsellor 3 years ago and she told me it wasn't my fault. He was 36 and I was 13. He should have been locked up.
Re: exN, I kinda blocked the whole thing out because I thought it was OK because we were married. But it didn't feel right, it hurt and I was feeling violated afterwards. I said to him afterwards 'I told you to stop, why didn't you?' and he said 'Because I knew you wanted it (sex)'. I told him I didn't and he said, well, it's too late now. I didn't think about this afterwards because I had so much on my mind with having been made redundant at work and then him leaving and us divorcing.
So nothing new happened, but now I know I was raped and I can't deal with it. I don't know. Just feel really mixed up. I told my counsellor yesterday and she was brilliant, just like BPDX was as well. They both said I was a survivor but I don't feel like one. I just feel violated and now it sounds even worse with it being rape not just sexual assault. I feel you are a survivor if you survived something life threatening, like cancer or a knife attack or combat.
I just feel like shit and being 34 I can't imagine what kind of a sicko my age would want to have any sort of sexual relations with a 13 year old.
I don't want to go to rape counselling because I came to terms with what happened to me re: when I was 13, it's just giving it a different label. I don't want to ruminate and feel like a victim, I just wish I could feel like a survivor, leave it all behind, feel good and get on with my life.
Until yesterday I thought I was 'just' sexually abused when I was 13 years old. And that exN was nasty because it happened once towards the end of our relationship that we started having sex but it really hurt so I told him to stop several times but he just carried on and held onto me. My cries weren't of joy but pain.
After I read some stuff I started to feel uncomfortable and I decided to look up what rape actually is, how it is defined.
It says that both parties need to have mutual consent. I looked up the definition of consent.
What is the definition of consent?
The Act has three important provisions relating to consent. They are:
A statutory definition of consent
The test of reasonable belief in consent
The evidential and conclusive presumptions about consent and the defendant's belief in consent
Section 74 defines consent as "if she agrees by choice, and has the freedom and capacity to make that choice" . In the offences of rape, assault by penetration, sexual assault and causing a person to engage in sexual activity without consent, a person (A) is guilty of an offence if (s)he:
Acts intentionally;
(B) does not consent to the act; and
does not reasonably believe that B consents.
Apparently it is penetration that can be vaginal, anal or oral, and the penetration doesn't have to be done with a p*nis.
According to the above I was raped when I was 13, I was below the age of consent and I was penetrated. And I was raped when I told exN to stop but he held on to me and carried on. The thing is, I blame myself for the latter, because I should have kicked, screamed harder or I don't know what else. But I was just so shocked and I just wanted it to be over.
I know in theory nothing changed as to what happened to me. I knew the one when I was 13 was not my fault and just so wrong. He properly groomed me and he was a very well-known figure in our town, a lawyer and an MP! I was flattered by his attention and my Mum knew something was going on; she called me a whore and was blaming me, I carried that burden until I told a counsellor 3 years ago and she told me it wasn't my fault. He was 36 and I was 13. He should have been locked up.
Re: exN, I kinda blocked the whole thing out because I thought it was OK because we were married. But it didn't feel right, it hurt and I was feeling violated afterwards. I said to him afterwards 'I told you to stop, why didn't you?' and he said 'Because I knew you wanted it (sex)'. I told him I didn't and he said, well, it's too late now. I didn't think about this afterwards because I had so much on my mind with having been made redundant at work and then him leaving and us divorcing.
So nothing new happened, but now I know I was raped and I can't deal with it. I don't know. Just feel really mixed up. I told my counsellor yesterday and she was brilliant, just like BPDX was as well. They both said I was a survivor but I don't feel like one. I just feel violated and now it sounds even worse with it being rape not just sexual assault. I feel you are a survivor if you survived something life threatening, like cancer or a knife attack or combat.
I just feel like shit and being 34 I can't imagine what kind of a sicko my age would want to have any sort of sexual relations with a 13 year old.
I don't want to go to rape counselling because I came to terms with what happened to me re: when I was 13, it's just giving it a different label. I don't want to ruminate and feel like a victim, I just wish I could feel like a survivor, leave it all behind, feel good and get on with my life.
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