Shock
OK. I just don't know what to do with this.
Until yesterday I thought I was 'just' sexually abused when I was 13 years old. And that exN was nasty because it happened once towards the end of our relationship that we started having sex but it really hurt so I told him to stop several times but he just carried on and held onto me. My cries weren't of joy but pain.
After I read some stuff I started to feel uncomfortable and I decided to look up what rape actually is, how it is defined.
It says that both parties need to have mutual consent. I looked up the definition of consent.
What is the definition of consent?
The Act has three important provisions relating to consent. They are:
A statutory definition of consent
The test of reasonable belief in consent
The evidential and conclusive presumptions about consent and the defendant's belief in consent
Section 74 defines consent as "if she agrees by choice, and has the freedom and capacity to make that choice" . In the offences of rape, assault by penetration, sexual assault and causing a person to engage in sexual activity without consent, a person (A) is guilty of an offence if (s)he:
Acts intentionally;
(B) does not consent to the act; and
does not reasonably believe that B consents.
Apparently it is penetration that can be vaginal, anal or oral, and the penetration doesn't have to be done with a p*nis.
According to the above I was raped when I was 13, I was below the age of consent and I was penetrated. And I was raped when I told exN to stop but he held on to me and carried on. The thing is, I blame myself for the latter, because I should have kicked, screamed harder or I don't know what else. But I was just so shocked and I just wanted it to be over.
I know in theory nothing changed as to what happened to me. I knew the one when I was 13 was not my fault and just so wrong. He properly groomed me and he was a very well-known figure in our town, a lawyer and an MP! I was flattered by his attention and my Mum knew something was going on; she called me a whore and was blaming me, I carried that burden until I told a counsellor 3 years ago and she told me it wasn't my fault. He was 36 and I was 13. He should have been locked up.
Re: exN, I kinda blocked the whole thing out because I thought it was OK because we were married. But it didn't feel right, it hurt and I was feeling violated afterwards. I said to him afterwards 'I told you to stop, why didn't you?' and he said 'Because I knew you wanted it (sex)'. I told him I didn't and he said, well, it's too late now. I didn't think about this afterwards because I had so much on my mind with having been made redundant at work and then him leaving and us divorcing.
So nothing new happened, but now I know I was raped and I can't deal with it. I don't know. Just feel really mixed up. I told my counsellor yesterday and she was brilliant, just like BPDX was as well. They both said I was a survivor but I don't feel like one. I just feel violated and now it sounds even worse with it being rape not just sexual assault. I feel you are a survivor if you survived something life threatening, like cancer or a knife attack or combat.
I just feel like shit and being 34 I can't imagine what kind of a sicko my age would want to have any sort of sexual relations with a 13 year old.
I don't want to go to rape counselling because I came to terms with what happened to me re: when I was 13, it's just giving it a different label. I don't want to ruminate and feel like a victim, I just wish I could feel like a survivor, leave it all behind, feel good and get on with my life.
Until yesterday I thought I was 'just' sexually abused when I was 13 years old. And that exN was nasty because it happened once towards the end of our relationship that we started having sex but it really hurt so I told him to stop several times but he just carried on and held onto me. My cries weren't of joy but pain.
After I read some stuff I started to feel uncomfortable and I decided to look up what rape actually is, how it is defined.
It says that both parties need to have mutual consent. I looked up the definition of consent.
What is the definition of consent?
The Act has three important provisions relating to consent. They are:
A statutory definition of consent
The test of reasonable belief in consent
The evidential and conclusive presumptions about consent and the defendant's belief in consent
Section 74 defines consent as "if she agrees by choice, and has the freedom and capacity to make that choice" . In the offences of rape, assault by penetration, sexual assault and causing a person to engage in sexual activity without consent, a person (A) is guilty of an offence if (s)he:
Acts intentionally;
(B) does not consent to the act; and
does not reasonably believe that B consents.
Apparently it is penetration that can be vaginal, anal or oral, and the penetration doesn't have to be done with a p*nis.
According to the above I was raped when I was 13, I was below the age of consent and I was penetrated. And I was raped when I told exN to stop but he held on to me and carried on. The thing is, I blame myself for the latter, because I should have kicked, screamed harder or I don't know what else. But I was just so shocked and I just wanted it to be over.
I know in theory nothing changed as to what happened to me. I knew the one when I was 13 was not my fault and just so wrong. He properly groomed me and he was a very well-known figure in our town, a lawyer and an MP! I was flattered by his attention and my Mum knew something was going on; she called me a whore and was blaming me, I carried that burden until I told a counsellor 3 years ago and she told me it wasn't my fault. He was 36 and I was 13. He should have been locked up.
Re: exN, I kinda blocked the whole thing out because I thought it was OK because we were married. But it didn't feel right, it hurt and I was feeling violated afterwards. I said to him afterwards 'I told you to stop, why didn't you?' and he said 'Because I knew you wanted it (sex)'. I told him I didn't and he said, well, it's too late now. I didn't think about this afterwards because I had so much on my mind with having been made redundant at work and then him leaving and us divorcing.
So nothing new happened, but now I know I was raped and I can't deal with it. I don't know. Just feel really mixed up. I told my counsellor yesterday and she was brilliant, just like BPDX was as well. They both said I was a survivor but I don't feel like one. I just feel violated and now it sounds even worse with it being rape not just sexual assault. I feel you are a survivor if you survived something life threatening, like cancer or a knife attack or combat.
I just feel like shit and being 34 I can't imagine what kind of a sicko my age would want to have any sort of sexual relations with a 13 year old.
I don't want to go to rape counselling because I came to terms with what happened to me re: when I was 13, it's just giving it a different label. I don't want to ruminate and feel like a victim, I just wish I could feel like a survivor, leave it all behind, feel good and get on with my life.
Replies
I am so sorry you were a victim of those crimes that were not your fault. This is a hard thing to process and only you know the best way forward. If you are planning on delving deeper into the issue I would suggest looking into *planning out* when you will and I just suggest don\'t underestimate the negative effects dealing with this will have on your mood. For example I planned this week off to deal with my sexual abuse/legal research I had been avoiding and I have gone to the pits mood-wise. I am glad I prepared myself mentally to deal with this and gave the time off and have hotlines available for me. You don\'t want to be overly triggered and have a breakdown. You may want to have a plan such as hotlines you can call or supportive people that will be around you. Time off work may even be appropriate. I just wanted to put that out there, as a factor in your decisions going forward, because I know otherwise you are going through a lot. Even if you have to block it out and avoid triggering things until you have a safe space and time to tackle it, that may be an option you want to consider.
In the end, I\'m confident you will do and know what\'s best for YOU, I hope something I said you might find helpful in weighing your options.
Wishing you courage and strength in whichever way you choose from here.
Thanks honey, I appreciate it! xx
Hugs honey, i have been there too - it hurts, but im thinking of you & hope the painful memories begin to ease.... xxxx
Yeah, I\'m Ok with what happened -kinda- but just the fact that I was raped. Twice. Just that label. Dunno what to do with it. Feel miserable and BPDX is totally unable to support me; I\'m withdrawn and he keeps bugging me and takes it personally that I\'m not my usual self. I don\'t expect much from him only - since he knows what happened I.e. That I know know that I was raped, I just want me to leave me the fuck alone and stop bugging me and thinking that I\'m mad at him!!! I just wanna be left alone and he keeps bugging me.
I just wanna cry, but won\'t.
I hate drinking but had half a glass of whisky neat on an empty tummy before dinner and now I\'m a bit p*ssed. Must remember not to drink whisky neat before dinner. Or after dinner. Or ever. Arghhhhh, just feel so messed up in the head. I don\'t want to have been raped!!! !!!