Session 9

We talked about a lot - the chronic pain that has returned in my shoulder, the anger at not being able to take meds, and the validation and positivity of being able to name the anger without shaming it or running away from it. I've never had a positive anger experience, it was so relieving to be able to experience it, name it, and feel it lighten it's grasp on me. 

I also talked about the baby shower I'm hosting for Dawn - the heaviness of hosting a shower for the person who got pregnant at the same time as me... We bonded so much when we were both pregnant; I lost more than just my unborn child, I also lost my friend. 

In talking about the shower, I talked about visiting Nikki, and how receptive she was to the heaviness of the emotions. Simply mentioning I was hosting the shower was enough for her to spring into awareness, to acknowledge it would be hard and to offer to help. It was the purest form of friendship and love I've experienced in a long time. Too long. Her genuine reaction to the emotions actually reminds me of work-Courtney's reaction to the "miscarriage gift" (so said by Jordan) and her adamancy that women who have miscarried should be showered with love and gifts because their baby died in their body. The rawness these women presented was beautiful and necessary for healing. 

I talked to Jessica about being triggered from the tv show but how it transitioned to feel cathartic and how I felt validated. It was heavy and hard to watch, but it gave me a space to feel and acknowledge that I am hurting and I do need to process it still. 

Near the end she asked about 'the letter' .. the one I haven't yet been able to write. I'm getting closer to feeling ready for it, I just need to feel safe in processing that anger. I didn't mention it to her, but I've found myself tempted to text him. I've been wanting to reach out... I think that's why I haven't opened that Pandora's box of emotions yet. I also keep wanting to ask Bailey if she's talked to him - she has suggested hanging out and I'm honestly not sure if it's a trap to get me there to see him. I'm not sure if I could handle it. I'm not sure what I would do. Would I run into his arms, let him hold me... Would I slap him, punch him, scream in his face? I snicker at the thought of that, but I know I would never dare. He conditioned me to be small. He made me feel afraid and weak in his presence - needing him to make the decisions, telling me I was doing everything wrong, hurting him on purpose. The irony kills me. If I message him ... If I see him... Talk to him.... I just, can't. I can hear his head in my voice and feel myself swoon... "Hey baby" ... God I hate him. I hate the control he has over me. I hate the way he made me feel. I hate him so much. I hate that I loved him so much. I hate that he did that to me, that he hurt me, that he forced me to do things I didn't want to do, that he drugged me to complacency. I hate this addiction I have, to him and to the drugs. 

Thoughts of messaging him, my fear of how it'll evolve, they stem from messaging Zach. I so badly wanted to confront him - address how perverted it was. He was so much older and having me as a child undress on camera and do everything else... I wanted to confront him, but he immediately spun it around. He brought it up and said I wanted to do little shows for him, like it was my idea. I remember the shock when I read that, I didn't know how to counter it. We talked for so long and I never once confronted him about it. I was so angry when I messaged him, but he too had me conditioned to calm down at his words. 

These bastards remind me of Will. I was an adult making that mistake. A sober adult. He was just another manipulative, lying bastard who made me fall in love with promises of being together... I found out he married the girl he was dating at the time, the girl he said he was going to leave for me.. the girl he cheated on when he visited me, he kissed me, I gave him head, and he left, returned to Alberta. I don't remember how he told me it was over between us... I truly thought he wanted to be together. I was so hurt. 

I suppose I have a track record of being hurt by men - letting them take advantage of me, letting them wreck me and walk away.