Session 7

I just finished my session with Jessica and wow, was it intense. We talked about my worksafe injury, the anger I've been feeling about it, and discovered that anger is a trigger that takes me back to when my mom was sick. It was such a weird realization - suddenly I clued in that the only other time I felt really angry was when my mom was sick and dying, and suddenly I was in tears. We discussed a few ways to release that anger and to give it space to exist rather than trying to tamp it down and resist it. Cathartic drives with loud emotional music is definitely my go to. I already love music and driving (and singing really loud and off key) for that reason, so I'm going to make a heavy emotion playlist for myself.

We talked a lot about worksafe and my physiotherapist being investigated for inappropriate conduct. How he would "massage" me while we were doing private physiotherapy sessions... It was uncomfortable at the time, because I saw (and still see) an RMT and I'd been to physio for the injury before, so for it to be so different was weird. I was also trapped by worksafe because of my injury, they held all the control. It felt inescapable and like I had to do whatever they said. 

I also told her about Harley, and how the injury and that friendship damaged my marriage. I didn't tell her everything about him, but I did talk about his threats to hurt me, his emotional control and manipulation, him lacing weed with other drugs (which only became apparent after the fact). It was a really heavy and intense session.

At the end she suggested I write a letter to him (not to be given to him) just to place my anger in the right place and on the right person. Obviously this is a task I'm familiar with, I just hadn't thought to do it with him. I currently feel drained so I'm putting thoughts of him back in my mental box so I don't have to experience it. 

She also suggested having a space in my house that I can use for alone time, for emotional processing. I decided I'd use the sitting room for this. I can read my book or watch something on my phone without being interrupted constantly, and just have that space to exist solo. 

Next session we talked about doing an EMDR off-set treatment called Flash - has to do with blinking a lot apparently... she said we'll do it if the heavy emotions are still present and active. We'll see how that goes! Until then, I need a mental break from feeling all this.