Session 5

I talked to Jessica about FINALLY being intimate (sex) with my husband again and despite the fact it was short lived, it was super empowering. I also mentioned how when it changed to just fooling around how he accidentally triggered me by asking why I was feeling so into it that day. The flashbacks came flooding back in that moment. What I didn't mention (internal shame about it) was that I let him continue while my flashback progressed and I was transported back to that moment, feeling what he was doing to me as I did that same night. I felt really messed up afterwards, naturally, and I shared with him that flashbacks had been triggered. 

So Jessica and I revisited EMDR therapy which I received from a different therapist back in the day. We recapped the safe space and she taught me the butterfly hug - which I had never been shown before. It's a process of doing bilateral tapping on yourself, while picturing a safe place. She coached me to picture my safe space, to feel it, smell it, and describe it, and then I said a cue word ("sand") and did 8-10 taps. It triggered a bit of anxiety that we breathed out (sigh breath) and did it again afterwards. It was nice to revisit EMDR therapy. 

We also revisited the idea of containers for heavy emotions, triggers, flashbacks, etc. Immediately I pictured a wooden box with wood burned vine designs on it and a little latch with a tiny secure padlock. It also has a tiny mail slot on top so I can drop things in without having to open it up. I mentally hid it in my underwear drawer at the very back where I won't see it. She asked me to picture something I want to put in it and to picture doing it. I decided the conversation that occured yesterday with Courtney would be perfect, cause it's been heavy. I put it on the box and immediately felt a sigh of relief as I locked it away. 

I'm feeling comfortable after this session, relaxed and able to continue my day. I'm absolutely drained and have been since the afternoon (2 morning workshops, 1 afternoon, then therapy). Fortunately my day is pretty much over in terms of responsibilities so I get to just relax and enjoy myself.