Session 4

Literally just finished and wanted to get this out of the way. Not gonna lie, I'm not super invested in writing right now. I'm pretty fried. Yesterday was emotionally exhausting, today I've been reactive, and all this past week (and longer) I've had non-dysregulating flashbacks. We talked about the sexual trauma memories and potential reasons for them resurfacing. It was helpful to acknowledge that the EMDR I did before has been maintained in that I can acknowledge the memories without being triggered. I can experience flashbacks like a movie, without being upset or anxious. 

Recently, I've had flashbacks about the incident when I was 12. It's not just the incident itself, but the lead up to it. The activities that resulted in that event. In talking to Jessica about this, we discussed how the adult brain tries to take ownership and control, so that may be why. It's trying to find the spot where I was in control.

I haven't written about the incidents in detail in a long time, so I'm going to try. I was a kid, I was with my girlfriends (Leah and Nikki), they were staying the night. Leah invited a 'friend' she met on Nexopia over (turns out - they had never met before). To my house. He (James) was 21, brought beer.. again, I was 12, I had eating disorders, and weighed around 100lbs... I was drunk, fast. I remember slurring my words.. I remember feeling light headed. Part of adult me wonders if I was lightly drugged. My sister came downstairs and kicked him out - we went outside with him. We sat in his car and I remember slurring, laying in the back seat, and talking about wanting to lose my virginity. I remember talking about being afraid to do it with my boyfriend Travis, and I think I remember saying I should lose it that night. I'm not sure if that's a mis-memory or drunken statements that did occur. I remember going inside to the bathroom - he followed me in, I didn't invite him. Now this is where it really fragments... I think I went upstairs, discovered I had my period, returned downstairs and he began kissing me and restraining me. I do remember enjoying it, but I don't remember thinking "I have my period" at that point... So I'm wondering if he did that before I went upstairs... Yes. As I'm writing, I remember that. He stopped me from going upstairs, pushed me against a pillar in the basement and was kissing and fondling me. I enjoyed it, enjoyed the affection and attention. I asked him to go back outside and I went upstairs. I came downstairs and he was waiting around the corner for me. I had just discovered my period, but again, I was 12 and embarrassed as all hell. He grabbed me and kissed me again. Then he pushed me towards the one 'finished' room in the basement (the only one with walls, flooring, and a ceiling). It had an old fold-out couch mattress laying on the floor. He pulled me to the mattress with him and tried to get me to relax. He caressed me and kissed me. At this point I was freaking out, I didn't want to participate and I tried to tell him to stop. I tried to pull away but he held me down. He kissed me and slid his hand in my skirt, he fingered me and said I liked it, that he could tell. I remember hearing him talk about how much I was enjoying it - how much my body was. For a long time this was a source of shame for me. I orgasmed because of him, but I was not okay with what happened. He tried to make me give him oral or a hand job, I remember wanting to cry. I heard a noise from upstairs and said it was my sister. I was able to make him leave. I remember feeling so raw, so emotionally broken. I shut down, the girls came back inside and I told them he assaulted me. They decided to leave with him that night, they left me. He was drunk and they got in his car and drove away. I don't know where they went, but I was alone. Leah told my boyfriend I cheated on him - he wouldn't listen to my version. I was broken for so long. I remember sitting, numb, on the stairs to the basement. 

When I was 15, Facebook was a huge thing. A guy messaged me, said he went to the same school and wanted to meet up. His name was Jazz. I let him touch me for a second but it was traumatizing and triggering. He too tried to force me to perform oral or give him a hand job.. I couldn't breathe. I managed to get away, I don't remember if I actually dug my nails into him, or if I've just imagined doing that so many times that I wish it were true. I got away, but I was afraid he was going to follow me to my house. 

I don't have the energy to write about the third... The memory is very fragmented. Very. I'll probably remember more as I write, I'm just not ready for that right now. I think there's a journal somewhere here that details it better than I can probably remember it. I was in my 20s, there's a message between him and I from shortly after it happened... I was angry and I sent him a video about rape and what it feels like. My body cringed at that word. I was previously molested, but he did rape me. Mike raped me. I know he didn't use a condom because after it happened I texted him asking if he was "clean" because he didn't use one. I found the text sometimes after the incident, after I had blocked out most of the memories, and was horrified to see that. To see that he didn't use one and to have no memory of that. I also have no memory on if he finished in me or on me. Did I clean up before leaving? He drove me to the seabus station, I think we kissed, and I left. I had told him no when he tried to molest me. I told him no when he took my pants off. I told him no when he climbed on top of me and held me down. I eventually gave up saying no. I gave up fighting and let him take me. I remember saying "are you almost done?" Because I needed to get out. I accepted his ride and his kiss goodbye because I needed to not be a victim. I needed to pretend it was okay what he did. It wasn't. I was broken. I suppose I wrote about it even though I didn't want to... At least it's out. We'll see how the flashbacks play on.