Session 15

The session was good, Jessica reflected what I was saying to identify that I'm feeling competent and excited meeting with clients. It was fun to be excited together. We chatted about the limitations of this office and what to do in the event that a client is actively suicidal (i.e., who to call for support, what office to vacate to in an emergency, etc). Something worth chatting with my supervisor about next week. 

I also mentioned my angst at being at this office and how it's a bit unsettling. I noted that there is a significant homeless population that I'd normally be attentive about and that the combination of that vigilance combined with Harley vigilance was a bit much. She asked where I parked and what efforts I made to feel safer. It was reassuring to discuss how I blended the truck into a populated area of the Walmart parking lot instead of the underground parkade for this building. By parking there I'm able to completely avoid the front entrance of the rec center which is where I'm most likely to run into him. It is weird to be at the place he discussed so frequently - part of me wants to investigate it out of curiosity, as well as try to find the nearby trailer park he always referenced and was living at. "Glutton for punishment" doesn't feel accurate this time around - it moreso feels like I want to face my triggers head on. I still have the urge to text him or phone him, part of me really wants to hear his voice, but the other part is afraid of the anger I know he has inside. He could make me melt, or strike the fear of death (literally, as well as rape and abuse) in me. I know it's not worth it, it's just hard to want something so unsafe. 

Then I talked about the side effects of my fertility medication. This past round made me highly disregulated, to the point of emotional outbursts of anger. It was such a minor inconvenience but to me it was a huge issue. It was weird to feel angry like that, and honestly a bit embarrassing. I'm glad I had the insight to recognize and inform those around me that it was my medication. One more round if we don't succeed in getting pregnant this month - then it's the IUI procedure. 

Someone at my site announced on a morning zoom call that they're pregnant (with twins) and I was excited but also had that pit in my stomach. I mentioned it to Jessica and also mentioned that there's someone else having a really rough pregnancy, seemingly with complications. We discussed having me mention it to my supervisor prior to it being a trigger or issue, just so she's aware of it if I need to step back or if I'm especially burnt out at any point. I had figured I'd disclose it if there was a client she wanted to assign to me who was pregnant or had a miscarriage, but I think now is a good time to mention it. Funny enough, Jessica used the example of a workplace baby shower as being a trigger or difficult to manage, and my supervisor mentioned today that she wants to throw a joint baby shower. It's definitely something that is going to come up and might be good to check in on next week.

Aside from that, we have 3 weeks till our next session. I'm hoping to journal more and I'd like to get that letter written. I think writing it and processing it here would be beneficial for me, I just need to carve out the time after a session for it.