Session 14

It felt weird going into this session without having something concrete to discuss. I didn't journal at all the past two weeks, despite recognizing I should have. I feel myself wanting to disocciate right now as I feel ungrounded and a bit dysregulated. 

We talked about Harley again. I had practiced boundary setting over the past two weeks, how to cut off conversation and not engage. In practicing I realized (and didn't mention it to Jessica) that he could have told anyone he wanted anything he wanted about me. He could have been honest or lied entirely to people we met at the pool and I'd have no clue. He was there without me at times, I was there without him, there's just no knowing. That realization definitely freaked me out, at the same time though, I'm fairly confident that nothing is going to arise from him or that situation now. I would like to write the letter to him soon, it's beginning to feel more like a task I've put off too long. Previously it felt overwhelming and traumatizing, but I think that's because I needed to process the trauma he created before I could face the anger towards him. 

We still haven't conceived and now the plan is to get the procedure done in November. Our storage is up in December, so the hope is that it works and we don't have to go through this again. I'm beginning to plan my natural pain management for during pregnancy so I'm not suffering while refusing to take THC. I'm planning to book acupuncture for every 3 weeks and have a consistent appointment for my shoulder. Otherwise my alternating chiro, monthly RMT, and weekly kinesiology seem to be managing the back injury. 

Goals for the next couple weeks surround continued journalling and using it to benefit my practicum experience. As well, journalling when the desire to dissociate arises to determine what trigger has occurred and to re-regulate by grounding. I also want to write that letter. I need to get that anger out and process it so I can move on. Jessica asked me why it feels different, less overwhelming and more like a task that's been pushed aside. I didn't have an answer, but I think it's just that I feel more in control. I feel less angry and volatile - feelinge I felt when I realized he had taken control over aspects of my life (pain management especially). I'm learning different ways to manage it so my pain isn't a direct trigger to him.