Session 13

We chatted about the practicum placement a bit, caught up, and the natural shift seemed to be my nervousness about running into Harley. I identified that I'm likely unsettled for no reason as I do not think he'd ever physically harm me. There's a question mark in my mind on that one - I honestly don't know what he'd do. We worked on reality testing - imagining scenarios and how to respond. She challenged me to be more assertive and to practice cutting off all communication, rather than the automatic fawn response (be polite, don't stir the pot, etc.). The only thing I can think to say to him, if he ever did try to talk to me, is "what do you want?" I think I fight with recognizing that he was abusive and it doesn't matter if he recognizes it or not. I think my brain is hesitant to be abrasive because I don't think he views what he did to me as abusive - or at least he doesn't know that I see the abuse that did happen. Jessica said something along the lines of, your abuser doesn't deserve your respect, because they didn't give you respect when they abused you. I think it just hit me really hard that he was so abusive and I do have a strong trauma response to the thought of him. I just want to run away/play nice so I either don't face him or don't have to confront how badly he hurt me. I think it's time to write that letter.