Session 11

50 minutes definitely wasn't long enough. I only got through Mike's accident, the pregnancy announcements, and a quick show & tell of my rose quartz pieces. The rose quartz I bought based on her recommendation, and by the time we got to that, I knew time was short and I wouldn't be able to address anything else. She reminded me of the importance of self-regulation and existing in a state of homeostasis as it's critical for the physical body and reproduction. 

I wanted to talk about Daniel, but I don't think it'll do any good, to be honest. I don't know what I'll accomplish by talking about him disclosing he wanted to propose. Even in our regular conversations, prior to that disclosure and since, I've noticed him referencing sex (in general), kids, and family a lot. I think it's him trying to show that he wanted the same things I did. I'm also convinced he brings up sex as some weird way of getting into my head about my sex life, or the sex he and I had. I honestly don't remember sex with him as enjoyable. I was so young and inexperienced, he was long and thin, so I always felt uncomfortable with where he hit in me. At the time, I also had a lot of trauma memories in my head, I was constantly triggered and shutting down, my body would tense up, and sex was unenjoyable. Part of me wonders if I'd enjoy it with him now, as an adult woman, rather than a 16 year old losing her virginity, or as a 21 year old who had so little experience and up to that point, had genuinely never enjoyed sex. I have zero desire to be with him, in any way, I just can't help but wonder if the reason my past relationships failed, was because of my inability to enjoy sex. I know he cheated on me with Nicole, he was always chosing her, but was it because I didn't make him feel good enough? Did he feel like he wasn't good enough as a man? These are the conversations I want to have with him, the ones that are easier via text, but also the ones I don't want to have a written record of. It's bad enough that there are messages of him claiming he wanted to propose, and a long conversation about him always chosing Nicole over me. A conversation about his regrets. I question if I should delete them, or just try to bury them with superficial conversations.