Session 1

Had my first session with Jessica yesterday. The way the days have been feeling, it feels like it was last week. So bizarre. Session went well, a bit of housekeeping items, casual chat about counselling in general (as I start practicum in the fall). She admitted her notes from before weren't super detailed but that we discussed boundaries before and grounding. Touched base on that, reflected awareness that the problem lies with my sister not me as the patterns continued between her and others. 

As for the miscarriage relevant information... We talked about relationships, how I feel I don't have anyone to talk to because of covid. How despite having people say "here for you ❤️" they aren't really because they try to change the topic almost immediately or they just don't respond. We talked about the different types of support we get from friends (practical; emotional; humor/break) but ultimately I feel isolated and alone in this. She recommended a support group so I've joined that but haven't engaged with it yet - I'll get there. 

We also talked about the anxiety pain, the tightness, and the feeling like I can't breathe properly. You know - the sex. The thing I'm subconsciously afriad to do, for whatever reason. I had no shame in telling her I had sexual trauma and EMDR therapy in the past - she looked surprised so I don't think it came up before. Surprised at my cavalierness more than anything I think. We talked about boundaries relative to sex and intimacy, what boundaries I can set and what I can work towards. My suggestion was for me to initiate contact and make it about his body rather than mine - we still get intimacy without my body/psyche rejecting it (in theory). Past traumas can resurface so if old trauma is reliving itself it'll be pretty obvious pretty quick. It just won't be pleasant. 

We went over some grounding and then an exaggerated exhale activity. It does really help to force out that tightness and anxiety - my whole body feels so relaxed after a few rounds.