Self Pity
Before CFS I would not have listed self-pity as a significant part of my reality. But as my ability to control the factors in my external world have diminished, I have developed an increasing tendency toward anxiety and self-pity. These are not states that sit well with me, they are exhausting, debilitating and humiliating.
So the question is how to rise above them?
I'm ready to move forward. I have no idea how, but I'm tired of feeling crappy about my life and myself. I've been through the process of building self-esteem out of nothing, I did it once through acceptance of myself and of others, hard work, fearlessness and faith. I do feel like everything that defined my sense of value in this world has been stripped from me and my self-esteem has taken a brutal pummeling. So if I am to move forward, I have to get back to rebuilding.
Just the thought of fearlessness now makes me quiver, but perhaps the same formula will apply again. The rules have changed, my ability to play has changed but I'm still in the game.
Bless you my friends, I can't say I won't have another meltdown tomorrow but I thank you for walking me through the last storm.
So the question is how to rise above them?
I'm ready to move forward. I have no idea how, but I'm tired of feeling crappy about my life and myself. I've been through the process of building self-esteem out of nothing, I did it once through acceptance of myself and of others, hard work, fearlessness and faith. I do feel like everything that defined my sense of value in this world has been stripped from me and my self-esteem has taken a brutal pummeling. So if I am to move forward, I have to get back to rebuilding.
Just the thought of fearlessness now makes me quiver, but perhaps the same formula will apply again. The rules have changed, my ability to play has changed but I'm still in the game.
Bless you my friends, I can't say I won't have another meltdown tomorrow but I thank you for walking me through the last storm.
Replies
Glad that you are still in the game. We\'ve got a good team among us CFSers. None of us can run, or kick, or hit a ball, but, in all the things that matter, I think we still have a good chance of victory. I think victory goes to the one who endures until the end. I remember something about a crown of life. I\'m pretty sure you and I have one of those coming. I have a lot of self-pity too, or at least self-preoccupation. It\'s pretty hard to avoid it totally when every day is filled with new losses to grieve, but we\'ll keep our heads up. Love you, girl. Heather.
Max!! I don\'t see it as much as self pity as facing the reality that our lives have been, as you said, stripped of pretty much everything and we have to redefine ourselves. We don\'t have to do this because we are weak in character. We have to do this because we are weak in body. No beating yourself up! That\'s not allowed in this game. None of us did anything to deserve this illness!
After I lost my husband last year (one year exactly this month) I was told that I would have to redefine myself....consider my losses, start over. blah, blah, blah. I already had to do that!! I had to do that when I got CFS 8 years ago. I had to stop working, became allergic to everything I loved to eat, got gastritis, pancreatitis, lesions on my liver, cardiac arrhythmias......I could go on!!!! SO, NO, I don\'t have to redefine myself as a woman without her husband. I am still me. I will do what I did to get myself back together after I got CFS and felt all ALONE in the world, save for the Lord. I will pray. I will allow myself those days of pity and self doubt. I will mourn the loss of my health. BUT, I will not blame myself. I am a child of the King. He has allowed this thing to come into my life, and I will press onward with the strength He gives me.
It\'s one day at a time with this illnesss, Max. You can do this. You are still Max. And you rock. And you will find your way. The Lord will guide you. Ask Him to do that. Daily! xo
i\'m praying for you Max...........hold tight to God\'s promises and stay close to Him.......I sat outside today and prayed for the longest time.......felt so calm.....so peaceful being out there in the corner of the garden by the roses just talking away........such a relief to be able to tell HIM everything........hugs and compassion.......good night and God Bless You, r uthie
Well dear Max.You wouldn\'t be human if you didn\'t feel self pity and anxiety considering all that you have lost and gone through.So cut yourself some slack. These emotions are very familiar ones to most of us, I\'m sure. You have lost your material security at present and your son has moved out . That\'s a lot to take on board when you are so ill as well.I lost my beautiful home, my money, credit cards.Had to close my nice big shop.Nearly died from panceatitus. Many other things were bad as well. My life was wrapped up in one giant bummer.Felt like the horror house . Couldn\'t see any way through.Still I had Frank to help me through and was not alone . You\'re having to go through these incredibly difficult times by yourself.So I see you as being quite strong really.I see all that inner strength girl. More than I ever had.I see a lot of resilience in you too.Just remember that the priority is to stay alive and keep the spiritual connection going . Don\'t let the material losses take you down.I know it\'s easier said than done and also heart breaking . However, it\'s a challenge for you to see your own unique value and self worth, above and beyond any material achievements.If you can\'t hold on to your assets, you must hold your head high, release them and look for another way to survive.Ask for help anywhere and anyway you can . There\'s no shame in that, just intelligence. Beg for help if it comes to that.No shame there either . It\'s will power and determination.It doesn\'t make you any less. We are all spiritually equal.You are a very strong and intuitive woman Max with some great knowledge.Some of those journals you wrote for us cfs\' ers were the best.Seriously. Actually I am going to go back and find my favorite and read it to myself again because I\'m struggling today.Been awake the entire night.Yep down and blue, but couldn\'t lift my arms to hold my guitar and sing it.Just having a melt down.However tomorrow\'s another day and I\'m thirsty anyway, so bring on the rain.Words from a song.... but my dead brain can\'t remember who sings it lol! Oh well . There\'s a reason for everything and God\'s in control.So we have to keep swimming even though the current in the river is throwing us into the rocks and we\'re getting bruised badly.At least we have each other. Maybe not face to face and yes so far away.However we are very real people with very real hearts.Love to you my Jamaican sister . I\'ve never had one of those before so I think I\'m pretty blessed there. xoxo
Damn! Always forget the paragraphs.