self loathing
Im so disgusted with myself. All I can seem to do is think of the things Ive done wrong….all the negative stuff about me. I seem to do things that add stress to my life. I can't take the responsible route….no that would be the right thing to do. I swear I try to sabotage myself every chance I get. Ive been increasingly getting more irritable and sad. Not a happy mix. I almost told my piece of shit co-worker today what I really thought of him….that would have felt good but not very professional. I find that Ive been saying some harsh things to people, being just a bit too blunt. Im starting to think I should just hide from the whole fucking world. I have the next three days off from work which is good because work isn't fun when Im like this but its bad because now I have all this time to wallow in my misery. Im a bit nervous to be honest. What kind of mental and physical torment will I inflict upon myself. Im feeling lately like I am a piece of crap who deserves to hurt. I hate myself for hating myself. Thats so fucked up but some how it makes sense to me. On a happier note Edgar just walked over to me with his ball in his mouth and dropped it at my feet, sat down and just looked at me like "hey man, throw the ball", so I did and he chased it then brought it back for more. He does this all the time but something in me feels like he senses that Im sad and he's trying to cheer me up. I couldn't help but smile and laugh at the fact that Im playing fetch with a cat.
Replies
haha that\'s really cool. I think your cat does sense your bad mood. I know my cat was a great consoler too.
I hope you can find outlets for this negative stuff. It is normal in the sense that we all have drivers in our minds that try and get fulfillment. When I am not working my mind goes really in on itself and it\'s not good. I need to keep active - plan an activity and so on... I am sorry you feel such bad stuff about yourself. I have that in part - I hope you can somehow step back from it- (the self negating stuff) and make some choice to think otherwise. It\'s like you do evidence work to fight the negatives. I don\'t know - just offering support. Your cat certainly thinks your cool :). So maybe you should too? I hope things turn around for you. Peace, Mark
The past is gone, we can\'t change it, only accept that it happened and forgive ourselves for our illness. I\'m glad you were able to hold your tongue with your co-worker, that takes energy. How good playing fetch with your cat! Can you distract yourself from your negative thoughts?
Thanks for the comment, I try to distract myself and it helps for a bit but its only temporary. Im just trying to get through this minute by minute with support from my friends and a furry friend to help me smile even when I don\'t want to.
Its wonderful how pets make you smile! I tell my cat that its her job to let us stroke her and to do her silly antics which make us smile. She needs to earn her keep just like the rest of us! I hear you about the distraction being only temporary and those negative thoughts are very strong. I hope you are able to forgive yourself for everything in your past that you are beating yourself up for.